trying to be fancy

CHANGE.

2008-10-05T17:32:00.001-07:00

BEFORE

AFTER

--------------------------------------------------

Change. That's pretty much what my whole year has been about. I woke up one day almost a month ago and realized, "Man, it's been a full year!" Yes it has. A lot has happened since that day last year when I decided to move here and pretty much turn my life upside down, inside out.

To commemorate my first year here, I decided to chop most of my hair off. It was, to say the least, kind of liberating. Change and [at least some semblance of] freedom has been what my past year has been.

It has been a year. A year away from friends, family, familiarity. My heart still aches time to time from the longing, but it has been a little bearable lately with family and a few new friends and acquaintances (most of whom have no idea how much impact they've made on me in the short time that I've known them).

And old friends have been great through this whole thing. A part of me still feels a lot connected to my "old" life, thanks to them. I still miss the parties at home, the Sarah's sessions, the conversations over coffee and chocolate cake, Starbucks and Chocolate Kiss. No new hangout or experience can top those.

I look back at my year and I can't help but wonder how the people back home are. How do they look like now, what have they been up to. You just don't get past stuff like that, no matter how long you've spent away from home or no matter how time has numbed you [in a way].

----------------------------------------------------------------------

It's October. Halloween month, birthday month (What a perfect combination those two make in a sentence. Enough to send shivers down my spine. Harhar.)I still have no idea how to spend my birthday--it is, after all, a crappy Monday. Maybe we'll just go for a nice quiet dinner. Maybe I'll go to the city. I definitely don't want a beatdown via the Capoeira roda (maybe they won't know, maybe I'll skip class, harhar). There definitely won't be a big basagan party--at least not in my honor. Maybe I should just sleep it off. I don't know.
(Somewhere inside my head, someone starts singing, I just don't know what to do with myself.....)

22 days left to think about it.

one night with chris [botti]

2008-08-02T18:01:00.000-07:00

kinikilig pa rin ako.

wehehe.

NO (s)P(r)AIN, NO GAIN.

2008-06-26T15:40:00.000-07:00

Literally.

Berinjela's really been raising the intensity of our Capoeira classes as of late. Last night was intense. Instead of people standing around in a circle, he pulled in chairs (wooden conference room-style ones, mind you) and said, "Play." You can't touch the chairs. You touch it, you get hurt. So I was getting pretty good at controlling my moves and keeping my eyes on my partner. The minute I sit down, "WHAP!" Coxinha's heel comes pounding down on my fingers, which happened to be gripping the chair's backrest. Felt like someone took a hammer--no, a mallet--and pounded away on my hand. Coxinha's foot-1, my right ring and pinkie fingers-zero.

Then I go up against Pes da Pipoca (which literally translates to Popcorn Feet, btw) and I do this fantastic rasteira (if I say so myself) that makes Berinjela go, "Muito bom, Passara!!!". And he does the same back at me, only I dodge it halfway and ended up tripping on my tippie-toes. I'd say that was a two-way tie: my rasteira-1, Pes da Pipoca's rasteira-1, my right fourth toe (what do they call it anyway?)-zero.

So I end up dunking my hand in a cup of ice all throughout taco time, and gripping an ice pack while asleep to numb the pain. Now I'm at the office, hobbling around with my toes bandaged and trying to type with 3 fingers on my right hand. But it's all good. All the pain and discomfort is so worth it hearing those words from Berinjela, and him telling me my game's really picking up. A dor e boa. Pain is good. I'm so happy I'll probably work out the whole weekend, haha.

It's only "words"...

2008-06-13T19:48:00.000-07:00

...but it sure means a whole lot.

I wish people would just say what they mean. Stop beating around the bush. In Nelly Furtado's words, "Say it right." Or John Mayer, if you will--"Say what you need to say". Mas madali ang buhay, promise -_-

I'm no psychic. No translator either. I'm just a plain, old, dumb little girl who wouldn't know the difference until someone spells it out for me.

I do not have an "attitude".

2008-05-18T16:45:00.000-07:00

I'm just annoyed.

Annoyance is what you get from someone being treated like she's stupid when you have no freaking idea how "in control" she is.

And it's not "making faces". My facial expression has been like this for the past 25 years. But of course you wouldn't know that, would you?

Just quit giving me all this crap, ok? God knows I don't f***ing deserve it. You do too.

2008-05-13T21:59:00.002-07:00

This is what I see outside my office window every single day....

And this....

2008-04-27T09:47:00.000-07:00

I survived! Er, first week at my new job, that is. So far, so good. It's a nice job, with nice people, a nice office (with real, live peacocks outside, wah). I have to say, it's only been a week, but it feels like I've settled down pretty good (even my bosses say that). All is well career-wise, I guess.

I've been really inspired to practice capoeira as well. Seeing the skill level of some of the people I play with, and knowing I can get there as well through hard work--that's enough to encourage me to put my best effort in to it. It may be my first foray into martial arts, but I'm going to make it good. Who knows, maybe next year I'll get to go to CDO batizados around the world :)

In another sport, there's an upcoming USTA event in the College and I'm seriously considering joining the women's singles division. 2 months to practice, kaya ko kaya? :p

I finally got my new iPod touch last monday. Woohoo! I love it, love it, love it. :D

2008-04-11T13:04:00.000-07:00

CHECKLIST

haircut - check!...update: isa pa kaya? hehe
iPod touch - short wait....update: check! :)
full-time job - TBA.....update: check! :D
driver's licence (lord, please naman...) - pending....update: yun lang....Xp
fierce capoeira skills like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1XBQLAIWzRI

er...processing.........processing...........processing.......(naka-dial up pa yan ha.)

(Just a little "inspirational" video Berinjela shared with the class of the Thundercat almost killing this big dude. From the Champaign Batizado 2008.)

6. isa pang tattoo - soon! :p

score!

2008-04-08T16:30:00.001-07:00

Finally! Finally I got through to them. Or to them. Or whatever, doesn't matter. I enjoyed today, and I think they did too, so it's all good. Yahuuuu!

2008-03-30T23:39:00.001-07:00

koala-less day one. everyone's feeling it. it's just...blah.

"The core of man's spirit comes from new experiences."

2008-03-30T23:34:00.000-07:00

Into the Wild. Great movie. Emile Hirsch is incredibly promising.

just your usual mopey, incoherent post.

2008-03-28T11:03:00.001-07:00

My sister Anna's going back to the Philippines tomorrow. I still can't imagine how it would be like not being able to see her everyday. Cause you know, in our little Vasquez fantasy world, we'd be side by side getting married, having children, growing old and gray. But I guess reality eventually will bite--I just didn't expect it to be this soon (although this is pretty late, by other people's standards). My big sister bone is definitely kicking in, in a major way. I know she'll survive--I have to give her credit for her newfound maturity in the six months we've been here--and time's going to fly by pretty fast (like it seems to do these days) and I'll see her again in no time. Wala lang. I can't help it. We've always been close (we don't have that typical she's-my-sister-I-hate-her relationship everyone else seems to have) and it's pretty much been just the two of us since...well, forever.

I know I'm going to get over it. I'll realize she's going to learn a lot without me constantly looking over her shoulder, she'll have newfound responsibility with the house back home and with my grandpa and all those things I used to both enjoy and dread. Heck, I'll have more closet space, haha. And it's not like we won't e-mail and YM and text and talk on the phone, right?

Besides, last night when I was moping in my room over this impending "loss" (oh, the melodrama!), I realized it was kind of selfish of me because in truth, I'm making this about me, and not her. I guess it's because all this time that I've been sad and lonely away from my friends, she's always been there to numb my pain, like it's not so bad cause she's here. And now she's leaving and I'll truly, genuinely be on my own. And I figured, if I really loved her like I say, I should be happy she's making her decision--let alone any decison--for once. Like, finally. That's been the whole point of this trip really--about teaching Anna to be her own person. Not someone's pretty marionette who bobs up and down with every pull of the string. And I'm happy with that, very happy.

2008-03-18T15:22:00.000-07:00

Nakakapagod rin tumunganga. Tapos mas nakakapagod yung magtrabaho nang malupit pagkatapos ng mahaba-habang pagtunganga. Stress, man.

That's why I jumped at the chance of going my stepdad's spa for at least a day of, well...doing nothing (I mean if I was going to do nothing anyways, I might as well do it poolside, with lots of cute Russian guys--yes, Leni, Russian--walking around in nothing but swimshorts, right?).

It was nice being able to take a dip on the pool and the jacuzzi (ahhhh....). It was perfect--except for that thing with these creepy DOM's preying on minor and minor-looking kids (eww), Angel's "I wanna get ooooout!" sleepwalking episode, and those drunk and noisy old ladies a few doors down. But all in all, it was gooooood.

So, a day after--and now all tanned and chilled-out to the max--I'm back. Good thing too, because I have an early day tomorrow at school (the 7th grade teacher fell and broke his ankle so I'm taking over for a few days), another early day Thursday, and an interview for a Pre-school teaching job in the afternoon.

The life, man. The life.

it's a sad, sad world

2008-03-13T20:44:00.000-07:00

That you, of all people, can't help me when you're so capable of doing so...

Man, that's...that's just sad.

-_-

2008-03-13T10:24:00.000-07:00

Sabi nung driving instructor, delikado daw pag ubod ka ng bagal. Nae-endanger mo ang mga nasa paligid mo.

Translation: Ang slow ay nakamamatay.

-_-

hayyyy....

2008-03-10T21:44:00.000-07:00

Watched Penelope with Anna today.

Eto lang yun e....

Wah *drools*.

"There's a way to be good again."

2008-03-06T09:56:00.000-08:00

*hikbi*

Watched The Kite Runner at St. Helena yesterday at this super cool antique theater called Cameo (lahat ng patron, except me and Anna--antique din, hahaha).

Naiyak ako. Wah. It was a very simple, very touching story. I won't spoil it for the rest who haven't seen it (GO!!! See it!). Basta. It made me realize how fortunate I was to have grown up in an environment when I did, and at a time when I did. And that, of course, there's always a way to redeem yourself and be good again--if you choose to do it.

My next movie: The Great Debaters with Denzel Washington. Preview gave me goosebumps!

2008-03-04T12:09:00.000-08:00

"...for well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool
by making this world a little colder..."

sabi yan ni paul mccartney. la lang.

aray.

2008-02-29T08:15:00.000-08:00

My back is killing me. We've been practicing handstands in class and I just can't seem to get it right. And my head's still throbbing from that accidental kick that my sparring partner threw without looking...and connected. I don't get it when my capoeira teacher says I could really be good at it when I can't even do a fricking headstand and duck to save my life (isa pang di sanay--this is the defeatist in me speaking -_-).

On the brighter side of things, I finally got my nome de guerre: Passaro. Portuguese for bird. Guess my teacher's first impression of me included a lot of bird-like flapping from that hoodie I was wearing that it's stuck. wahaha.

*****

I had the chance to sub for the kindergarten teacher yesterday. Now that is one job I can do every single day of the week. Ang saya. They were easy to please, very eager and very innocent. Sabi nga ni Anna, "walang bahid ng malisya".

Kinda makes you wonder what happened to us adults that made us the way we are now? -_-

*****

Right now, I am just so far off from the position when I can turn down jobs. But I did, and I did it twice. There was this one job that called for a couple of hours' commute per day, and I got to thinking if it was really worth all that effort for measly pay. Another one turned out to be kind of a scam, or at least it seemed to me.

Hay, ang buhay ng jobhunter. I know beggars can't be choosers, but even beggars have to learn not to settle sometimes :p

di na sanay.

2008-02-26T13:38:00.000-08:00

I'm soooo tired. It's not even 2 pm and I feel like calling it a day already. I had work today and yesterday (and another one on Thursday), so I had to wake up at 5:30 am. I used to be able to do that without being tired and drained out of my wits. Di na kasi sanay. I guess it's like this when you go from having one job today, and another kind of job tomorrow, then no job the next, then a job again...you get it. I love having this job and I love being with the kids and I'm thankful for every single time they call me--I just think my body's going to thank me more if I had to do this every single day, you know? Para masanay ulit. I wish they'd just realize that I'm doing a great job and I have a really excellent rapport with the kids and give me that permanent position already!

*****

Why is it so easy for kids to choose to misbehave instead of just doing the right thing? Then again, madali din naman pala for adults to do the exact same shit? So let me rephrase my question--BAKIT MASARAP GAWIN ANG BAWAL?

I don't know, I think it's just me...or my sister Angel. She's just a...well, she's just always an angel (okay, almost always). Kaya di na siguro ako sanay sa mga batang pasaway.

Yun.

*****

My sister Anna's going back to the Philippines in a little over a month. That's another thing I'm probably never going to get used to. We've just always been together forever, literally. The Dynamic Duo, that's us. The longest we've been away from each other's like, I don't know, 3 days? And even then we missed each other like hell and couldn't wait to share stories. So I'm wondering how I'll fare knowing it's going to be months before we see each other again. Baby ko kasi yon e, ever since.

Ayoko yata maghatid sa airport. Nakakahiya humagulgol :p

*****

Di din ako sanay not to have constant communication with friends. My body clock's been insane the past couple of weeks that I can't, for the life of me, just seem to quit hitting that snooze button every single morning. When I have work, I barely have the time in the morning to go online and chat. Days I don't have work, I basically just waste away sleeping.

I miss my friends. Moreso now than ever before :(

*****

Di na ko sanay mag-violin at magtata-tumbling. I haven't practiced--touched, even--my violin for a week now, and I bet I'm going to sound as rusty as ever when I finally do again. Di na din ako sanay magtata-tumbling. The capoeira instructor asked me if I'd ever done a cartwheel before, and I said, "Yeah...like 15 years ago." So kamusta naman ang 10 cartwheels to the left and 10 cartwheels to the right. No wonder I feel like an 80-year-old lady every after class.

ginga, baby!

2008-02-21T11:07:00.000-08:00

Again, we drove half and hour away from home for that weekly one-hour self-imposed torture called Capoeira class. (Hindi naman torture, actually. It's just that every morning after class I can't help but as myself, "Bakit ko ba tino-torture and sarili ko nang ganito?" Yep, it hurts that much.) Last night was a workout. We did all our basics, escapes and now added kicks and floor movements. And the Mestre would say, "Since you guys are new to this, just give me, say...20 of each." Pasalamat pa daw kami na it's not a 500-kick day. Then we did our first ever roda, our "sparring circle", so to speak. Seriously, for anyone who's doubting how flexible and how agile they can be, capoeira's the thing. Whatever can make me (not to mention a 200-lb linebacker) do cartwheels all over the roda--yun yon. Try it!

OK. Now where's my ice pack..... :p

fear.

2008-02-21T11:00:00.000-08:00

I almost crashed into a tree the other night. I was driving, just picked my sister up from an evening activity in school. It was raining hard and I guess I drove too close to the curb and the gutter water splashed all over the car, including the windshield and the right side windows. For about five seconds, I couldn't see a thing, I was panicked, I was so scared I almost lost control of the car. I felt the car hit the curb, go over the curb and that's when I guess I recovered my senses and slammed the brakes as hard as I can. I was inches from that tree, I swear.

I can't even remember the time since I last was so scared.

2008-02-17T20:03:00.000-08:00

Gusto kong maging racecar driver. Or piloto. Seryoso.

I wish I'd figured this out when I was younger. Sana pag pinanganak ka alam mo na agad kung ano talaga yung path na gusto mong patunguhan ng buhay mo. Boring siguro, pero at least may kasiguruhan. Minsan yun lang kasi yung panghahawakan mo sa buhay na walang kasiguruhan.

Ewan -_-

2008-02-12T22:13:00.000-08:00

Alam ko pag nagbigay ka, dapat wala kang inaasahang kapalit. Dapat buong puso, taos puso.

Pero pano pag konti lang naman yung hinihingi mong kapalit--yung hindi naman makakaabala, yung hindi makakasama, hindi makakasakit. Diba OK lang naman humingi?

Pero hindi yata. Kaya dun sa may pakana nung mga salitang give and take, PAKYU. Lokohin mong lelang mo.

-_-

i love you baby....

2008-02-12T15:16:00.000-08:00

Meet my new Baby.

Yan ang love...

pinaghihirapan :p

not-so-guilty pleasure.

2008-02-10T00:08:00.000-08:00

Mag-drive sa gabi. Yan ang bago kong guilty pleasure. 10 pm, 11, 12 midnight--the later, the better. Masarap kasi parang sa akin lang ang mundo. Just me and the Jeep, against all odds. Parang nakikisama sa akin yung paligid--the lights turn green when I want them to, the cars slow down to let me pass them, those revelers at the Steakhouse scream "HI!!!" when I pass them by. Tahimik, maayos, parang naka-slow mo. Hindi tulad ng realidad na napaka-komplikado.

2008-02-08T22:28:00.000-08:00

I want.
-_-

2008-02-07T11:58:00.000-08:00

Mama told us a story about how somebody from work cost the company a huge sum of money because that person assumed instead of verifying info. Now everyone involved's inconvenienced, their schedules fucked up, and pissed off at that particular person. On top of that, that particular person's in pretty deep shit.

My stepdad says the world doesn't have neither time nor space for people who assume. Assume and you die, that's what he says.

Moral lesson: WAG MAGING ASSUMING. bow.

happy kalibugan month, y'all. gak.

2008-02-02T12:54:00.000-08:00

Math. History. It doesn't get any better than this.

Trust me to find myself 10 years after, standing in front of a middle school class, telling them to love the subjects I learned to loathe long before.

Ah, the utter irony of it all.

And PS, my brain has been totally fried off my college math experience. It's like burnt cheese, stuck like glue to the bottom of the pan, waiting to be peeled of and discarded. Promise, that's how it feels right now. So this weekend, this lovely weekend which was supposed to be all about DVDs and nacho chips and wine, I'm going to study my brains out. I don't want to be explaining what the word semplang means to my American students, instead of teaching them algebra. So there.

-_-

2008-01-31T21:57:00.000-08:00

Had my first try at Capoeira last night. My legs hurt like hell now from all that stepping and kicking, but it's sooo worth it. I love it!

*****

I finally finished that looong book I was reading: Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett. It's such a good book, I urge everyone to read it, especially if you have a great appreciation for architecture and the medieval times. Go!

*****

I hate that I've been procrastinating on my violin studies. I really have to start practicing again. My new one, the one I've been putting money on (and to this date still is unnamed) is still in the music store. And it's February already! Gising, Anj.

*****

I can't believe it's February already! The 5 months that I've been here sure have gone by fast. Really fast. Ayoko na mag-reminisce about how Februaries have always been, made-depress lang ako. Instead, I'll just wonder what I'll be doing this year.....heehee.

*****

I started jobhunting again. Applied for 3 jobs at the County. I love teaching, but I can't keep just being on-call for jobs. And it's almost Spring, mabilis na lang till Summer. I don't wanna be jobless come June. Kailangan na career-in to!

2008-01-26T22:15:00.000-08:00

Masaya na masakit....

...parang buhay.
...parang rowing.
...parang pagpapa-tattoo.
...parang snowboarding.

Ano pa ba?

2008-01-22T16:57:00.000-08:00

Wah. Ang weird.

Patay na si Heath Ledger. Nanonood pa naman ako kahapon ng Casanova. Tapos the other day, 10 Things I Hate About You. I even blogged about it.

Shame, feeling ko pa naman he was a good actor.

Ano ba yan, people dying left and right. And how unfortunate that everytime, drugs have had something to do with it. It's scary how some split decision can go bad on you in a snap. Just like that.

2008-01-21T07:05:00.000-08:00

"And I'm.....back in the game!!!!"

Random thought. Wala lang. I was watching 10 Things I Hate About You (which I will never tire of watching, ever) last night and the line just stuck.

It's the fourth week of the new year and I'm not in my normal it's cold-wake up early-go to work-look for raket phase this year (although it is cold and i am indeed looking for raket or something more), and times like these are usually reflection time for me. The past few days have been nothing but reading, watching movies, running, cooking, driving around, staying away from the computer, not sleeping right--I'm bound to have a thought or two pop into my head, right?

So (like an annual financial report at a big boardroom meeting), here's my first realizations for 2008 (bow):

Some people can have a million reasons to justify their selfishness, and not one will make sense.
In the eventuality that I will have children, I will love them with all of me, and never let it get so bad that I have to ask others to love them for me.
An ugly past is a lame excuse for stupid decisions.
It's OK to miss people, even after you've gotten back to the rhythm of things.
I have a growing addiction to colorful hoodies.
I will never get tired of watching 10 Things I Hate About You.
Take the flab and the fondness for tukey legs away, Henry VIII could have been a total hottie back in the day.
I like to run, but I'm afraid it's not for me (cos my right ankle freaking hurts after everytime!).
When I have kids, I will never make them feel like they owe me big time for having borne them.
When people tell me I'm beautiful, I'm both pleased and kind of bothered (like, "Aww, thanks." and "Uh, why?" at the same time. Aside from, "Um...duh!", of course. Wehehe, joke).
I think I've found my bliss, finally :)

dahil isa akong level nine na baboy na piiiiink....

2008-01-10T13:17:00.000-08:00

The first best words that I've ever heard (well, seen, kasi nasa blog) in 2008 were from my BFF Leni (the Paris to my Nicole, wahaha):

MAKE A FUCKING DECISION AND STICK WITH IT.

Thank you! Gawd.

run, anj, run!

2008-01-04T22:03:00.000-08:00

And save enough to get me and Mama on that plane to Spain.

Those two are the only resolutions I have for 2008. And that thing about surprising myself. Three.

Should be easy enough, huh?

unang post sa bagong taon.

2008-01-01T21:00:00.000-08:00

First day of the year.

I was browsing through friends' blogs and stumbled upon this quote from Neil Gaiman, from my good friend Olivia's blog (who herself has been a warrior the past 2007):

"May your year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art -- write or draw or build or sing (or dance) or live as only you can. And I hope somewhere this year, you surprise yourself!"

So for 2008, let's all suprise ourselves :)

HAPPY 2008, EVERYONE!

my white christmas

2007-12-28T09:21:00.000-08:00

So the car kinda Scrooged on us up in Tahoe, and we spent 4 days up in the mountains instead of 3. So what? Ang happy!!!!

This holiday is honestly one of the best (if not the best) holidays I've ever had. The family's pretty much all here (well, except for Daddy, who decided to stay in Manila, and Luke, who's spending the holidays with his mom), it's freaking cold, super-white and very happy. We got pretty much everything we wished for--a good trip, snow fall, a great time snowboarding, everyone's happy, safe and healthy. That's all there is to it, right?

My body pretty much hurts all over (like I told Leni, even in places I didn't know I had, haha), and I feel like freaking Angelina Jolie because of windburn, but heck, I don't mind at all. I had soooooooo much fun, made a couple new friends (Riiiick! haha), basically had a blast with the family. And all those slips and slides down the mountains didn't deter my spirit a bit--in fact, I'm already saving up for another snowboarding trip--clothes, equipment, post-session chiropractor treatment and all--for next year. Can't wait!

It's a good decision I made, to stay here for the holidays. I missed my friends like crap but I got something in exchange, something I never probably would have gotten had I about-faced my way home to Manila. I think I'm starting to believe in Christmas again, like I did back when I was a young, naive, worry-free kid. I realized it's not about being all together, or complete or having every single gift on your wishlist--it's just about believing and allowing yourself to be happy despite all the potholes and hurdles. Sort of like counting your belssings. It's kind of hard to explain. Basta. You have to feel it to understand.

Merry Christmas, everyone! Happy New Year! :)

eksayted.

2007-12-23T23:34:00.000-08:00

yipee, yipee, yipee!
i'm heading off to tahoe in a few hours and i can't wait! waaaaah.

*****

called some friends to greet them merry christmas. grabe, i almost forgot how they sounded like. 4 months pa lang naman, but it seems like eternity.

X--you made my day, promise. wahahaha.

*****

marie's coming over in a few days. i'm so psyched to spend new year with my favorite cousin.

so, cuz...shall we welcome the new year with fresh ink? hehehe.

*****

i know how we can all get too wrapped up in the festivities and the material things, but i just want to say, to everyone who gets to read this:

I hope this season brings you, brings all of us clarity. And peace.
Merry Christmas!

engggggk!

2007-12-20T23:02:00.000-08:00

I remember this line celebrities used to say on this MTV (or was it VH1?) show called The Diary of...

"You think you know, but you have no idea."

I guess that's just my thought on the whole thing. Tsk tsk.

****

IMHO, God should have made an 11th commandment:

"Thou shalt not assume nor expect too much."

At sabi ng Spice Girls, "Too much of something is bad enough."
Kaya tama na ang *****. Wahaha.

just one of em' days.

2007-12-18T06:03:00.000-08:00

So I'm up and blogging at 5:30 in the morning. Haven't woken up this early in a long time--I almost forgot how much I enjoy being the only person stirring about, and the silence and zen-ness of it all. Me, a bowl of cereal, coffee, thoughts about the day to come, nothing else--it's...well...empowering. Something like that.

(Too bad I'm supposed to be getting ready for work in uh, 2 minutes. Bitin.... :p)

LSS

2007-12-15T11:46:00.000-08:00

Heard this song on Gossip Girl, and I just got hooked.

Parang ang fitting pa for um, recent circumstances...hehe...

It's too late to apologize....or is it? :p

pseudocide

2007-12-12T23:37:00.000-08:00

Pseudocide. It's a new phenomenon. Seems the world's become so jaded that some people decide it's so much better to just disappear from the face of the Earth and start over with a new identity, than to just get on with their miserable lives. Tempting.....

*****

You know how it sometimes happens that you hear news that's supposed to surprise or even shock you, and the most it does is just confirm some sort of belief that's been at the back of your mind since...forever? What sucks is not hearing about the bad news but realizing it's just diffused that teeny-weeny glimmer of hope that some way, somehow, you're going to be proven wrong. It's kinda sad, thinking about it.

*****

Sometimes you never really get to know a person unless they decide to open themselves up to you. What seemed to be so honest, so true can all seem so trivial and for-show in an instant. Sometimes I wonder what the world would be like if everyone walked around with open hearts.
Just a thought.

*****

Mabilis ang karma, and it's such a huge bitch. Wag tuksuhin.....

kalokohan lang.

2007-12-11T20:23:00.000-08:00

It's that time of the month again that permits me to be the moodiest, grumpiest and bitchiest I am capable of being. Felt like being a rebel today so I did, moping around the house in all-black, grunting one-line answers in a please-stop-bugging-me tone. I just figured that if they're going to treat me like the teenager that I am not, fine, I'll give them teenager if that's what they want.

Too bad for the nice good kick my conscience is very nicely bending ala Beckham into my head, screaming, "That's not helping, stupid!" Oh well.

Got myself a brand new addicting habit, thanks to Dax. Every morning for the past three days, the first thing I do after getting out of bed is to head to the living room and lie underneath the Christmas tree, let my mind wander in the illusion of twinkling lights. I'm heading to the mountains in a couple of weeks and I can't wait to do it under a big-ass pine tree in the snow, see what happens.

Yun lang. Wala ako sa mood to make sense eh. I just wanted to distract myself from all the grating voices swimming in my head (shuuuuut uuuuuuup!).

everyone has their days.

2007-12-06T21:26:00.000-08:00

I picked up my sister from school this afternoon, and on the way home she turns to me and says, "I don't want to be anything when I grow up.", to which I could only muster a very confused, very disgruntled, "Why???"

"I just want to be myself."

All of a sudden I just wanted to be in her 6-year-old shoes, with nary a clue as to how difficult that specific task is to accomplish.

Then we get home and my mom wants to get a Christmas tree from the lot. So I ask, with all the glowing excitement of someone with a brand new instruction permit, if I can drive to the store which was about a couple of blocks away from the house.

"No....you don't know how it is to drive in a busy street."

Damn right I don't, which was the whole point of doing it--to learn. How the heck am I supposed to be a good driver when all I do is turn corners and do figure-eights at the church parking lot? Gah. I'm 25, not a fucking teenager. I know how it is to be protected and how it is to be let out vulnerable in a bad-ass world, and guess what? I chose the latter.

To wish to be a child again and to hate being treated like one in a span of three hours. That's a trip for you.

And if life couldn't be any bitchier today, I dropped a bowlful of my lunch on the floor and broke a string on my violin. And it's raining.

Oh well, everyone has their days. I guess mine's December 6th.

whew!

2007-11-19T12:49:00.000-08:00

Just got home from my first day teaching Elementary Science at St. A's--yahoo! I definitely enjoyed the day, the kids are nice (although I did almost send one to the Office >:p), my co-workers are very supportive. Everything went on smoothly. I liked the atmosphere--it's waaay different from the College environment I was so used to, but it was nice in it's own quaint little way.

Should I start working on moving from my temp/on-call position to a permanent one? Hmmm...we'll see :)

hand me my pills, please.

2007-11-12T18:31:00.000-08:00

Sick today, but no excuse. You have to grin and bear it, suck it all in when you're beginning the process of getting your act together--sniffles and all. But as usual, I had idle time to spare thinking about stuff that really does me nothing but senti moments and whatnot. Wala lang. I guess that's normal if you're just starting out and haven't really carved your whole life plans in stone yet. The "bad breakup syndrome" is upon us, once again. Hehe.

So maybe it's true what they say--you really have no idea what you have until you lose them. Like, of course you miss the good, of course, but you realize you also miss the things you didn't even like that much--so-and-so who used to really piss you off so bad everytime he/she did so-and-so back then. Labo, no? You miss the good and the bad--even the gross, the filth, the grime that's part of the whole shebang, just because the riot's not quite the riot without it/them.

I'm happy that it's all starting out good for me-- I don't wanna jinx it by saying great just yet-- but somehow I know subconsciously how it's never going to be the same kind of "great" that you once had or were part of. Nothing lasts forever, even when at a moment it seemed like it would. Not to sound ominous or pessimistic or something. But that's what's true and real. Right?

Wala lang. May sakit at sume-senti na naman. Tama na nga -_-

wala pa ring masyadong sense. pero mas happy.

2007-11-09T22:35:00.000-08:00

time to cut the crap, anj.

i've decided to quit being the mopey-dopey loser whiner that i've been the past few days and well, do a Sting again ang start a brand new day.

marie's spending the holidays here. that's something to look forward to. tahoe. definitely something to be excited about. a new job perhaps (ayoko pang i-finalize, baka ma-jinx, although medyo yun na nga...heehee)? definitely something to be happy about. getting fit, losing weight. yahu.

come on world, bring it on. bring. it.

walang sense.

2007-11-08T22:01:00.000-08:00

I feel kind of, I don't know--as if I'm floating on air, hovering above everyone and everything on Earth, a silent witness to goings-on in the Universe. My mind is teeming (and yes, teeming is indeed the perfect word) with thoughts and ideas and rants and memories, and yet no strength accompanies them that they may be somehow immortalized into words or images or something else.

I have tons to write about, rant about, rejoice about. Tons. But I'm in this deep hole again where I do nothing but think, remember and maybe somehow, die (or live?) a little everyday with this internal whatnot (I don't even have the guts to call it struggle or battle--far too dramatic words for something that is absolutely, well--nothing). However, I dug deep into this hole all by myself, so I guess there's no one to blame but me. No rants, no complaints, no feelings, no nothing. No sense at all, even.

-_-

*******************************

Promises are meant to be broken. Never put your heart in them; When you hear no one but yourself, it's time to shut up; No solution will ever be good enough when you're the problem.

fuggedabaudit.

2007-11-06T22:28:00.000-08:00

"Forgive sounds good. Forget--I'm not sure I could..."
--I'm Not Ready to Make Nice, The Dixie Chicks

I wish it were that easy to stop thinking about things. To stop dwelling on matters that will never change, no matter how many millions of times you twist and turn and alter fragments of it in your mind.

Bakit ba natin mahilig pag-isipan ang mga bagay na mahirap isipin?

It's so easy to say, "Oh, it's nothing." Or, "It's not a big deal.", when in truth it's not "nothing"--it's EVERYTHING. And it's not "not a big deal"--it's the ONLY deal.

They say God gave man free will to do whatever he chose. I wish I could just choose to lock [this thought] up and throw away the key.

Tao lang.
*hangs head*

2007-11-06T10:25:00.000-08:00

Lesson Learned.
Alicia Keys and John Mayer.
I like :)

enjoy: http://perezhilton.com/?p=8339

yun naman pala e...

2007-11-02T23:25:00.000-07:00

"You want me to leave you alone?"

Mismo. Nadali mo. Thank God.

-_-

happy hingal halloweeeeen...bagsak...

2007-11-01T08:02:00.000-07:00

The new camera I got for my birthday arrived literally 20 minutes before we were set to go to St. A's for Angel's Halloween Parade. Whew.

Ang saya! All the kids (and the faculty even) were dressed up in their costumes, with some very funny, very cute and very creative costumes (my personal favorites were the Blue Man group, the Ghostbusters, and Jacob as Elvis, haha). Angel was "Angelcat", her very own superhero. You should've seen these guys work it with their costumes--well, wouldn't you, with PSP's and iPod's at stake for prizes? And of course, the entire Halloween spirit. Who doesn't love Halloween? :)

Afterwards, we all headed off to the factory outlets for some "kiddie" trick-or-treating, and then downtown for the real thing, with the old Victorian houses decked up in their best Halloween decor. I have to admit, people here really put their efforts into one night of candy-giving. I loved that big Victorian house with the huge, sweeping cobwebbed staircase and where "The Devil" (complete with mechanical flapping wings) gave out handfuls of candy. I think me and Anna passed off for middle-schoolers (wahaha), and all these people were saying, "Oooh...look at those cute schoolgirls!" Hahaha.

Then there was the small incident of forgetting which street we parked the car, so at the end of the evening we were so exhausted from running all over downtown in search of it, but so amped up on sugar rush and Halloween-itis. Hehe. Definietely a great first authentic trick-or-treat experience for me (and Anna, as well), where we actually got to dress up and collect--no, amass--candy, as opposed to just waiting for our small nieces and nephews come knocking trick-or-treat at our door :)

Happy Halloween, everyone!

* http://wanjeloo.multiply.com for my pics :p

it never ends :)

2007-10-29T21:45:00.000-07:00

I was kind of having an off-day (too much "happy" the past few days, I guess) today. It was cold outside, the sun was behind all these rain clouds, and I wasn't feeling too good.

Until my new phone came knocking on the door (well, the UPS guy actually :p). Yay!

And then my stepdad handed me this small brown envelope addressed to my sister (engk?). Turns out it was a card for me.

I got it around 6pm, just when I was about to call it a night--just in the nick of time. Cos, hey--it made my day. Super.

Salamat, guys. I wish I could give you the real thing, but in the meantime:

*hug*

it's all good :)

2007-10-28T20:39:00.000-07:00

While it wasn't exactly how I pictured my 25th, I have to say that it was one of the best birthdays I've had in years.

Thanks to Mom, Jon and Ninang for my "camera fund", Angel for my impromptu birthday card (hehe), and Anna for my "mature" birthday cake and for making that AVP. And to everyone who took time to answer back to my sister's ad and send pictures and messages--pakyu kayong lahat, hahaha! No seriously--I love you guys *hug*.

Sa lahat ng bumati, nag-text, anything--you guys don't know how much it meant to me. Aylabyu!

ang aking "inapakang" birthday cake.

rock n' roll, people! *mwah*

no way but up :)

2007-10-26T08:19:00.000-07:00

"Let it go, let it roll right off your shoulder. Don't you know tha hardest part is over? Let it in."

A nice talk with a friend (and a very unexpected one, at that) and this song on the radio reminded me yesterday that sometimes it's so much simpler to look for the good in things, rather than dwell on the doubtful and the negative. We may find ourselves in situations we might not completely have the appreciation for, but it in the end there will always be something to take away from that not-so-happy instance in our lives. Well, if we chose to.

And friends--friends will always, always be there. No matter the time, no matter the distance. No matter how sh*t-faced you get. They're the ones who laugh at how stupid drunk you are, but hold your hair from your face when you're puking your guts out. The ones who have quirks--unbelievable mood swings, an irritating habit, weird taste in men/women--but tolerate your own mood swings, irritating habits...and weird taste in men or women. They're the ones who hug you so tight when your heart's all broken--even though they're not the most touchy-feely persons on Earth--like they're trying to smoosh all the pieces back together.

Family. And "firsts" with family. Sometimes when you've been walking the world searching to fill this gap within you, this hole in your soul, you find that the thing that will make you whole has been sitting right under your nose the whole time. It doesn't get any simpler than that.

turn the clock to zero, honey.

2007-10-24T22:45:00.000-07:00

It was almost noon when I woke up today, and man, did I have the greatest sleep ever in God knows how long.

I'm jobhunting, phone-buying, walking and looking forward to not just my birthday (which is this Saturday, by the way :p), but to Thanksgiving and a white Tahoe Christmas (and a visit from my favorite cousin in the whole wide world!)--and all other good things that come with this newfound perspective in life.

I thought I'd never see the day, hehe. But I'm glad it's here.

Carpe Diem, people!

*****

You can turn the clock to zero, honey
I'll sell the stock, we'll spend all the money
We're starting up a brand new day.

ho-hum...

2007-10-22T21:43:00.000-07:00

Was still kinda down over today's, um, epiphany. Decided to make cream puffs to happy-fy me. Kinda did the trick.

Carved Pete the Pumpkin too.

Wacha think? :p

-_-

2007-10-22T14:21:00.000-07:00

for all that's died within.

hehe.

gah.

2007-10-22T11:15:00.000-07:00

like my stepdad would say:

"BOW-BOW!"

unbelievable.

-_-

super wishlist.

2007-10-21T21:59:00.000-07:00

Because both "doomsday" and Christmas are coming up:

-_-

And World Peace, of course.

this cues the need to get out of the house :p

2007-10-17T08:48:00.000-07:00

Anna and I were watching The Holiday yesterday and we decided that going here was like a bad breakup:

You mope, although you hide it from other people by putting on a fake smile and pretending to "brush it off" just like that.

You play with your hair. Color it. Get bangs (which you'll later regret and sidesweep til they're a decent unnoticable length again).

You try to "sleep it off". It's not worth getting up until the sun comes down and everything is as dark and as gloomy as you feel.

You can't eat. Don't eat. Except for those many instances you decide chocolate bars and brownies (and ice cream and chips...) are the only things worth pigging out on.

You run. Start an exercise thing. Try to burn off all that junk you've been putting on your system.

You listen to sad songs. Sing along to them. Loud.

You decide after a while that it's time to shake it off, and move on.

Look what a day of Jude Law did to us -_-
Hahaha.

If you were falling, then I would catch you...
You need a light, I'd find a match...
Cuz I love the way you say good morning...
And you take me the way I am.

concept-erased by nature.

2007-10-13T22:33:00.000-07:00

Hiked today up the redwood park about a couple of hours away from home. It was a very scenic drive, with the trees starting to turn different colors, just like in the movies. I felt like Little Red Riding Hood, walking amidst the 1,000-year-old, 300+ feet redwood trees :p

For a moment, I didn't think about anything. I just took it all in.

Then we went down Sonoma Coast, to the little beaches. Freezing cold, brrrr. It was very pretty, with huge waves and pebbled shores. I got to thinking, that if anything, I would miss being able to go to the beach and actually be in the water even in the coldest tropical months, like Boracay in December *sigh*.

It was a nice break from the monotony of the past weeks, though. It took my mind off a lot of things. Not all of them, of course, but I have to say it did me a little good.

A talk with my Ninang gave me a bit of inspiration too. Some sort of a new mantra:

It's good to miss, but it's way better to look forward.

Yep.

*****

(It's been raining a lot lately, and a really nice memory just popped into my head :D)

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
And just like the guy whose feet are too big for his bed
Nothin' seems to fit
Those raindrops are fallin' on my head, they keep fallin'

So I just did me some talkin' to the sun
And I said I didn't like the way he got things done
Sleepin' on the job
Those raindrops are fallin' on my head, they keep fallin'

But there's one thing I know
The blues they send to meet me won't defeat me
It won't be long till happiness steps up to greet me

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turnin' red
Cryin's not for me
'Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin'
Because I'm free
Nothin's worryin' me

It won't be long till happiness steps up to greet me

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turnin' red
Cryin's not for me
'Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin'
Because I'm free
Nothin's worryin' me

Hehe.

warms the insides like it should...

2007-10-13T22:21:00.000-07:00

Thought I'd share my current song addiction.

Made me smile today--I guess that's a good sign, huh?

rain drop blue.

2007-10-11T10:54:00.000-07:00

it's been raining lately. cold, hard rain. winter's coming.

rain makes me sad. cold weather makes me sad.

it sucks to be sad when you've got no friends around to make you smile :'(

haaaaaym bored.

2007-10-09T21:53:00.000-07:00

and apparently, so are my sisters -_-
Halloween's coming up. Here's some costume suggestions:

Hula Girl.

Cat Woman. or Hello Kitty (Hello Pussy? Cos she's big na eh...)

Japanese Chick. Don't forget the "peace" sign. Japaaaaan!

*please, please, give me a call. a long one. a short one. anything. just give me a call. soon.

metafore!

2007-10-08T11:20:00.000-07:00

I watched Il Postino yesterday. I love that scene when Neruda asks Mario to say something beautiful about his island. And all Mario could utter was, "Beatrice Russo." (the name of the waitress at Vino en Cantina).

Awww *blushes*

*****

Leni and I were talking about that part in The Alchemist when Coelho says that, "When you really want something, the whole Universe conspires so that you may get it."

Then we decided, hindi yun totoo. Because sometimes, even when you honestly, desperately want something, the ball may be on someone else's court, and that someone will have the power to decide. More often than not, as I've experienced, it won't swing your way. Kaya hindi siya totoo. Coelho must have had a wonderful, glorious moment once in his life that made him come up with such a statement. The rest of us--not as lucky a bastard as he is.

*****

In light of that Coelho moment, I told Leni that I think sometimes even when you've given up everything--your pride, your happiness, your all--just for that one desire, wala pa rin. Wasak ka na, wawasakin ka pa rin nang tuluyan.

leni: parang ako, wasak.
anj: ikaw at ako, wasak.
leni: haha.
anj: baka kaya tayo friends. we may not be part of the same china, but we make a pretty damn fine mosaic :D
leni: tama! ancient-rome mosaic. yes. uma-art stud.

who wants to be part of that mosaic too? :p

*****

Mi Manchi.

Means I miss you in Italian. Although sa Babelfish daw, it means "it lacks to me" (literally), which I first thought was just plain stupid, heehee.

When you actually think about it, though, it does make sense. Because when you miss someone, you do feel like something's not quite there. Like you're incomplete, and you need that certain someone, or something to make you feel whole again. So tama nga, I miss you--because I "lack" you, because you're not here.

*sigh*
Mi manchi.... :'(

*****

It's getting colder by the day. I spend my days running, reading, cooking--by myself. And my nights thinking--still by myself. It's hard. But I'm learning to bite my lip and press on. Because life is hard. For all I know this may just a little pinprick in my life's skin.

I miss bear hugs :(

bellissima!

2007-10-05T23:17:00.000-07:00

heehee.

It was a good day today. Woke up early, talked to friends on YM (who I looove, kahit inaaway nila ako -_-). Listened to LSS-inducing music. Went to Copperfield's (very nice, very expensive bookstore)--which turned out to have a huge sale, yahoo! Headed to the vineyards for a picnic lunch (naalala ko tuloy ang naudlot na picnic sa Circle *wah*) at V. Sattui (one of my favorite places on Earth. as in). Drove around pretty St. Helena. Watched the leaves turn yellow (well, I didn't really wait and watched :p). Went to Castello di Amorosa--a real live pimpin' castle on top of a hill, moat and all!). Drove up to the pretty Carmelite Monastery with the awesome view of the valley. Went home in time for Mama's shift, slept till late afternoon. Ahhhhhh.

I think I made progress with respect to work too. Finally filled out that application form from Chaudhary. Fine-tuned my resume a little bit. Talked over some computer stuff with Elmo, who gave me a brief workshop on the programs. Made it halfway through The Golden Compass (yahu! hahaha).

It was a simple, simple day. But it was, as they say in Italy, bellissima! :D

nowsblid. wahaha.

2007-10-04T14:05:00.000-07:00

*based on a true story. Just a little laugh-trip kwento from my sister. I promised to not name names though. Wahahaha. (C*****, kung mababasa mo man to, peace tayo p're! Astig ka!!!)

At a McDonald's somewhere in the USA:

Guy: Welcome to McDonald's!
Pinoy: Ah... Can I have 1-piece chicken with rice, please?
Guy: Sorry. We don't serve rice.
Pinoy: Oh. What do you have?
Guy: Rolls.
Pinoy: Okay. I'll have that.
Guy: For here or to go?
Pinoy: What?
Guy: For here or to go?
Pinoy: Uh, dine-in.
Guy: What?! To go?
Pinoy: To go where???

Ang kulit! PINOYS ROCK! hahaha

2007-10-04T07:51:00.000-07:00

nanalo la salle. wenk. i will never hear the end of it. gah.

oh well.

*****

i woke up this morning feeling a lot better than i did the past couple of days. para bang all of a sudden, my perspectives are clearer, brighter.

sana forever na :p

2007-10-03T12:35:00.000-07:00

i'm cranky. i'm short-fused, impatient, temperamental.

i hate it when i'm like this. i'm a happy person, i'm not supposed to be like this.

i feel like the grinch on christmas.

gah. help me to stop rolling my eyes.

that [not so]funny feeling.

2007-10-02T07:08:00.000-07:00

Must be hormones. Or the weather. Or Fall. I don't know.

So there I was in the dark. It was 6 am, and the sun hasn't even risen yet. It was 7 degrees outside. And I'm running.

A downward spiral. That's what it felt like. And I didn't want to just let it pull me in.

So I ran. Fast.

2007-10-01T07:43:00.000-07:00

Went to mass with my family yesterday after the longest time. It felt a little weird to be sitting there, trying to sing along to all the songs (new ones, nonetheless), responding in unison with everyone. Wala lang. I felt kind of...lost, I guess.

It's was probably a good thing the mass was, um, different (read:mabilis at masaya). You know how they say everything in America's on fast-forward--the food, the time, and yes, even church. The priest--he rocked, hehe. He delivered this nice, witty homily about how some people just can't help but think the world revolves around them. In the end, all they end up doing is compressing their worlds into something so small, it doesn't allow anybody in but themselves. People need people, even those who seem to not need anything more in life. I could just imagine what a sad, painful existence that must be, thinking you don't need anyone else.

Then at night my mom (who's very religious and very Catholic) and I got into a long conversation about religion. I never told her about my reservations about my own faith before, seeing how she's such a staunch follower. But I'm glad I was able to last night. We talked about what we liked and didn't like, about how it would be so nice to get a peek into how other religions worked. I for one would love to see how a Jewish service goes--it seems so much more solemn, more deeply-rooted. I'm glad my mom was on her usual Mama-mode--although she didn't like the fact that I haven't been going to church in a long while, she's supportive of my "exploratory" mood when it comes to my faith. After all, she says, what's important is that you believe--regardless of who or what.

It was sort of relieving to realize how free I've suddenly become to believe whatever I chose--God knows (no pun intended) how "boxed" I've become in 12 years of catholic school, where you're spoon-fed your faith and they expect you to just tough it up and keep it all in, like bad medicine to a kid (although I have to say I have nothing against sending kids to catholic school just to instill some sense of religious foundation). It's just nice to be able to explore different things freely. No, make that "to explore different things", period.

:p

whaaaaat???!!!!

2007-10-01T07:40:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it's October already.

*enter funeral music*

*run around screaming*

wenk.

"uh. no idea."

2007-09-28T21:30:00.000-07:00

Eh.
Lagi naman e.
Paki-gamit ang utak, please. Kahit minsan lang.

Nakakainis. Grrr.

2007-09-26T09:17:00.000-07:00

I have the weirdest feeling in my gut.

That sinking feeling--maybe this is what it feels like.

I don't like it. Make it stop, please.

2007-09-26T09:09:00.000-07:00

Jika: Musta na?
Anj: Eto. Bored.

*****

I'm bored.

Jay was right. I can't keep on doing this forever.

I need a job. Fast.

Need the money. Need something to do with my time.

*sigh*

across...the bay.

2007-09-23T23:55:00.000-07:00

Went to San Francisco last Saturday to meet up with Anna's friend, Inna, and watch Across the Universe.

Well, we did go. And we did meet up. The movie, hehe--let's just say we got a little sidetracked.

We walked around hoping to pass the time before showtime and we happened to pass this teeny-tiny ickle store called Bloomingdale's. The rest is history. ahehehe

So, needless to say, all we did yesterday in San Francisco was eat, shop our butts off, walk off our misery over overspending, do some more [retail] damage, eat, and walk our butts off. And camwhore. And reminisce. And daydream.

The weather, which was supposed to be really horrid and wet, was the exact opposite. It was sunny and cool, not cold and windy with nary a cloud in sight. It was perfect.

It wasn't such a waste, after all, yesterday :)

it's 3 am, i must be lonely...

2007-09-21T01:37:00.000-07:00

...thus this blah entry.

It's 1:30 am actually. Two weeks of me here in Napa. Two weeks of jetlag. Two weeks of f*cked up sleeping habits. God.

I was online as early as 5 am today, credit to my lack of sleep and lack of new things to do. It was 45 degrees Fahrenheit. That's 7.2 degrees Celsius. And dropping. I was so cold, so miserable in my tropical weather sweaters that Mama decided to whisk me off to the clothing store to buy winter wear. In September. Unbelievable.

I'm bored stupid. I've done everything there is to do in this small, sleepy town (well, everything except take my Stepdad up on his karaoke-at-the-steakhouse dare. hah! ako pa?! don't make me laugh....).

I miss my friends. I miss Arki, and Sarah's, and SM North and movies at Trinoma. Choco Kiss and Oz. I miss sunsets in UP, especially now that it's always dark and cold and drizzling almost all day.

Good thing I have raket tomorrow night. And San Francisco for Across the Universe on Saturday. And coffee with Jeff and Lutrell on Sunday. And the Jeep.

I know I said "All you need is love." Well, sometimes you need a little bit of sleep too.

Hayyyy.

pools.of.sorrow.waves.of.joy.

2007-09-20T01:02:00.000-07:00

Love, Love, Love.Love, Love, Love.Love, Love, Love.
There's nothing you can do that can't be done.
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung.
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game.
It's easy.
Nothing you can make that can't be made.
No one you can save that can't be saved.
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time.
It's easy.
All you need is love.All you need is love.
All you need is love, love.Love is all you need.

Can't say it any better than that :)

dear evil bhoy,

2007-09-18T21:21:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning to find an e-mail from Rap the Evil Bhoy, who's not so evil after all. It was simple, just saying how he missed me and that I should take care and keep in touch.

Awww :)

Dear Evil Bhoy,
Miss na kita at ang mga ka-evil-an natin sa tambayan. Sa sobrang miss ko sa'yo, binili kita ng tatlong bote ng Pickapeppa Sauce (sows?).
Ingat ka, lalo na sa mga bagay na tumatalbog.
Love,
BitchBitch

mababaw lang...

2007-09-18T21:09:00.000-07:00

...but then maybe things are supposed to be like that once you try to make a fresh start out of your life. Like a newborn, not knowing anything, not being able to do anything by yourself at first. It's a weird concept how you have to hold on to someone's hand for a while, with the ultimate goal of being comfortably independent for the rest of your life.

It's close to my second week here and I have to say, I'm pretty happy with the way things are going. I've been able to do "important stuff" (read:boring stuff like get my ID, open a bank account, do little odd jobs here and there for the meantime, etc.). Next week I'm getting my license and a phone. After that, I'm going around jobhunting (there's a couple of openings I'm pretty interested at, it's just a question of whether I stick to what I know, or I go with what I love. hmmm...)

People say I should chill out, relax for a while. Get my affairs in order. After all, it hasn't even been a couple of weeks. I don't know. Part of me wants to do just that, I feel like I deserve it. But part of me's saying, "Go!". Strike while the iron is hot, get in the groove, something like that. Momentum.

I'm up for a job again Friday, then I'm spending the Saturday with Anna and a friend in San Francisco to catch up and maybe watch Across the Universe. Sunday is driving day.

bow TENCHU, TENCHU. nyehehe

2007-09-14T20:59:00.000-07:00

Easy as pie.

If you guys ever have the chance to babysit, I think I've got a perfectly reliable formula to survive:

1 McDonald's Happy Meal + Cartoon Network + Spaghetti for Lunch + Arts and Crafts + Snack-size Frito Lay's + A computer game called Cake Mania = HAPPINESS

I didn't even break a sweat :p

i feel like a frigging statistic :p

2007-09-14T06:01:00.000-07:00

I'm doing my mom a favor today and babysitting not one, not two, but THREE kids. This should be interesting. Heaven help me *gulp*.

It's getting colder here everyday, and it all the more magnifies my longing for everything back home (hey, it's been barely a week, forgive me if I'm still on drama-mode :p). Thank God for technology, it doesn't feel as bad as it is--just a little text over here, and a PM over there, and my day is done.

Pretty soon I'm gonna have to snap out of this rut. I mean, it's not even my first week here but there's already a couple of jobs that have been "winking" at me from afar. "Take me....". Haha. I guess America doesn't necessarily think much of a, say, honeymoon period. Business agad. I'm mulling it over, and hopefully in a month (maybe less) I'll have a good answer.

Wish me luck! :p

i'm baaaaack.

2007-09-12T02:48:00.000-07:00

Just got back from a 3-day trip to Lake Tahoe with my mom, my sisters, and family friends. Ang ganda ng Tahoe! The weather's nice (warm at day and cold at night. "Tagaytay in Baguio", hahaha), the people are nice, great views, good food, and the nightlife--bars, casinos, concerts (wah, The Killers!). I'm not a "mountain person"--I'd pick the beach anytime--but I liked the experience (kahit muntik na kami ni Anna makapatay ng 9-year-old, grrrr). Sad nga e, kasi a huge forest fire last summer burned down parts of the mountain range. Still, it was very, very pretty. I can't wait to go back in December and snowboard (not to mention try my hand at the casinos again. Nanalo ako ng tumataginting na........$55! hahaha). If you guys ever get a chance to go to the States, punta kayong Lake Tahoe. Happy, promise :)

I'd have to say it was a great experience, but it would have been greater had my friends been there. Eto yung mga moments na I wish that plane fare was as cheap as going to say, Batangas. Or I could just fit everybody in my suitcase. Or may floo powder talaga. But I think the traveling's doing me some good, easing my mind of the *hikbi* pain and the heartbreak. Hahahaha.

Tomorrow I'm volunteering over at my sister Angel's elementary school to help cook lunch for the kids. Yahu.

update (for lack of a better title)

2007-09-08T06:08:00.000-07:00

I'm here. Finally. After almost a year and 17+ hours on the plane, I'm back. I'm happy in a way, but I can't help but feel a void in my spirit. A hole in my soul, like that Aerosmith song says. Not after a wonderful farewell with friends and a million touching texts. I cried on the taxi home, while packing my stuff, on the plane, in my dreams. Masakit e.

*****
Masakit on one end, masaya on the other. I'm with my mom again, after almost a year. With my baby sister who seems to have grown (in more ways than one) overnight. In a new environment teeming with what I like to call "fragrant possibilities." Plus, I think I found myself a raket already. Amazing. haha

*****
Magda-drama lang ako ngayon. And the coming week probably. But I will set my affairs right immediately after that. Kasi yung ang tama.

babay, friends. hanggang sa muli.

2007-09-06T09:54:00.000-07:00

Had lunch with my lolo, then a little farewell dinner at Chocolate Kiss with friends. Sinagad ko naman talaga ang time ko with them. Masaya, cos I was kind of expecting it to be senti, sad and tearful (well, sa dulo lang yung tearful, at konti lang :p), but of course, my friends wouldn't have any of that. So instead of a gloomy last day here in the Philippines, I was treated to a very funny, very happy get-together--good food, music and lots of laughs to last me at least a year (at least until I come back).

Salamat--Leni, Kim, Dax, Rosab, Foomy, Joe, Rap, Arni, Agnes at Fae. Thanks for a wonderful [not so farewell] farewell. I will miss you all! *huuuuge hug*

Salamat din sa lahat ng nag-text. I super appreciate it (Lalo ka na Jonathan Albaniel, hindi mo pa alam na aalis na ko! Hmph.). Kitakits, guys!

It's a sad day, it still is. But somehow it doesn't hurt that bad, knowing how much people care about you.

Wala na kong masabi e. Pics na lang :)

Oble at dusk. Ang ganda.; Evil Boy and Soon-to-be-Evil Girl :p; Sexytime, wahaha.; Ako at ang zumu-Zoolander na si Level 9!;Leni, pre-bondat; Tumi-TIMY na naman si Daxdax!; Laki ng ngiti mo, Popoy ah!; Daxdax, pa-cute.; Kim and Rap aka "Pianne"; Evil Girl and the Goddess; Fae and Me.

what the hey, what a day :p

2007-09-05T10:29:00.000-07:00

Kung ganito lang talaga kasimple at kasaya ang pagpapaalam, I might just consider doing it more often. Joke lang, hehe.

First off was lunch at Yellowcab with Koyah, Mike and Leni. Busog, camwhoring, atbp. Ang saya-saya. Salamat ng marami, Koyah!

Then there was the L&L. Syempre kunwari pa kaming hindi satisfied, pero sa totoo lang, natuwa ako kasi kinareer naman talaga ng apps, from backdrop to full band. Medyo bitin lang, pero ok lang (thanks in huge part to ****. Hayminlaaaaab... wehehe). Congrats sa apps ngayon, astig kayo. Pero dapat pagbalik ko, mas astig pa kayo bilang mems. Kundi, lagooooooot.

And of course, what better way than a Sarah's session to top it all off? Beer and pizza--the best combination ever. Happy ako dun kasi lahat represented--apps, mems, alumni. Tapos medyo basag din lahat. Yun e. Salamat kay Lloyd, na nagpasaya ng gabi namin nila Agnes '03, Dax "Caste System" '06, Ruelo "Prince-King Hair" '04, Pia aka Joji '87, Carlo aka Kevhoy 2, Sudie, Ab at GB aka Gheevet (ako kanina si Anj "Emo-grant" '04). Wahaha.

Tomorrow is my last day here (at magkakape kami ni Jay, dahil medyo ma-drama din siya ngayon. Wah). Medyo malungkot, pero I can honestly (honestly na naman...) say na ngayon naiisip ko mas kaya ko na, with the realization that it won't really be a goodbye-goodbye to these awesome people that I hold so dear. Magkikita pa naman kaming lahat, at pag nangyari yon, patay na naman tayo diyan! Hahaha.

Kwento ko lang---Na-touch naman ako kay Dino kanina.
Dino: "Anong oras flight mo?"
Anj: "10 am."
Dino: "Ay, sayang. Pupuntahan sana kita sa airport, kaya lang may exam ako eh."
Awww. Natunaw naman ako don :)

Salamat sa lahat ng nakasama ko kanina sa supposedly, aking farewell-drama-iyakan despedida. I didn't say goodbye (well, at least, not final ones). Hindi din ako nag-drama (ji-names piscos ko lang si daxdax ng konti, wehehe). At lalong hindi ako umiyak (well, muntik na, pero sa kakatawa). Salamat, at hanggang sa muli!

:)

babala: wag basahin kung ayaw ng drama :p

2007-09-04T08:10:00.001-07:00

It's really sinking in right now.

My room is a mess. I've picked out the stuff I want to bring with me, the clothes I want to wear, the books I promised myself I will read (to pass the time and the loneliness), and the things I decided to leave behind are basically just strewn around in my room. Like confetti. Or as if a banana bomb exploded in my room just now.

This must be how people with terminal illnesses feel. Picking out the clothes they want to wear to their own funeral, picking which stuff goes to whom, writing a last will and testament. This is probably the closest I'll get to that feeling--although it bothers me that I associate my leaving with dying. You're weird, Anj.

I should be excited. This is, after all, my choice, and like I always say, kung ano ang pinili mo, panindigan mo. But I can't really help it if I'm still feeling torn over everything, can I?

I told Leni last night that despite the fact that I've made my decision and I'm happy that I did, part of me still feels so unsure about all of this. Jitters? Maybe. Thing is, part of me wants this to work out so bad, and yet another part of me is thinking that it wouldn't be so bad if it didn't. Feeling ko tuloy ang sama ko for even thinking about it like that. But like I said, I can't help it.

I know I'll probably get over this in a week or so. And the fact that I'm actually already planning for an August '08 vacation somehow leads me to believe that everything will be alright--I'll be just fine. A year goes by really fast, after all. And like I've said over and over, there are no definite goodbyes when it comes to friends. OK lang ako, kaya ko 'to.

Ayoko lang mag-senti, mag-drama. Pero naiisip ko minsan, is it worth getting so worked up over this? Baka naman ako lang yun. Will other people miss me as much as I will miss them (which is, in all honesty, to death)? Wala lang.

Hay naku. Ayoko na ngang mag-isip. Sana pag natulog ako, paggising ko andun na ko. Para tapos na, wala nang madami pang ek-ek.

pkyu, iPod.

2007-09-03T21:58:00.000-07:00

I finally got around to dragging myself up to pack, which was hard enough to do when you're trying not to think about what it actually means. Then that doggone iPod had to play Leaving on a Jet Plane pa. Bastos amp. Ahaha.

ay, sus. smacks forehead

2007-09-03T08:22:00.000-07:00

Crap is as crap does. Don't expect anything better than b-s if that's all you're contributing.

Ako lang--Honestly, I mean, really now, YOU want to talk about MATURITY and WORK ETHIC????

Tsk. Don't make me laugh.

update.

2007-09-02T08:34:00.001-07:00

Just got home from dinner and coffee with the girls (di sila tulog-mode this sleepy Sunday eh). Seppy's 25th and my farewell-and-see-you-later-bitches dinner. Lots of talk, laughter, kwento about, um, stuff etc. etc.

I hope one year goes by fast.

*****

Ang mahal ng damit ng kids, can I just say? I went to Kids of Bayo to buy my baby sister some clothes. Grabe, ginto. Oh well.

Sunglasses shopping. Ang bagong rehab. Bow.

*****

Monkey...monkey... I've got bananas for you....
Wahahaha.

ah sey one!

2007-09-01T05:30:00.000-07:00

So sick today I wasn't able to go to the bookfair Leni invited me to. Pasensya na. Sayang. Na-sobrahan yata ako sa happiness. Double, triple, quadruple, 10 thousand times happiness.

Sabi na eh--I'm not going down without a fight! haha

Yesterday
bank. work. trinoma lunch with leni, cheska, agnes and x. work. tambay. sablay tanaga stories. lando's open mic poetry with bongos, wahaha. career kerengkeng with christian cruz. kilig kim. kilig foom. kilig all around. rain. stolen, dashboard confessional. worms. sarah's with the oldies. beer. tuna skyflakes. sausage. twin popsies. stories. *gasp* confessions, haha. skip and skank. jack daniels and coke. more beer. nyko maca. sino sikat. [bur]nick azarcon the guitar god rules even while drunk. bonding with rely, wahaha. kat. omigod. kat, hayyyyy. tseri. jamaican party 2. song and dance. talk. drink. talk. dance till you drop. sore throat. sore feet and legs. sore everything. happiness. happiness. happiness.

Pics it's a motherfreaking reunion; dax and popoy the love god; anjanj and daxdax; sino sikat, yahu!

Today
home. sick. recuperating for another round *wink*. hehe.

surreal but nice.

2007-08-30T06:40:00.000-07:00

Chillax-ed after last Tuesday's, um, "thing". Overnight at Rap's. Chocolate Kiss with Foomy and Leni. The "Taxi Epiphany" just a while ago. Work later, and tomorrow. Not so usual, for usually-hectic and stressed-out me, but I enjoy it nevertheless. Surreal, but nice.

"will self-destruct in 3,2,1...."

2007-08-28T08:39:00.000-07:00

It was as if a huge bomb had been ticking inside me for days, weeks even, and it just couldn't handlethe pressure any longer. It burst, and out came the feelings that I've been dreading to come out. Those feelings that I brush off, push into the back of my mind with self-reassurance that "everything will be okay", or "it's for the best", and whatnot. I forced myself to believe that I can do it, can get past it coolly like it's no big deal, when in reality it's killing me.

Earlier today I told a friend that one has to learn to face the repercussions of one's actions. 'Wag mong iiyakan yung bagay na pinagdesisyunan at pinilit mong gawin. But some things are easier said than done.

I should be excited. I should be packing my bags, whistling cheerily at the idea of a brand new start--MY brand new start. Pero hindi pala yun ganun kadali, hindi basta basta lang. I feel like by pushing it off as long as I can, I'd be able to find some sense of peace in what I'm about to do. But now I realize that the more I push it off, the more I prolong my agony, and the more complicated it becomes.

I want to do this. I sincerely, honestly want to do this. For myself. I just hope it's that easy to do something that will complete you when all you're left with is a big, gaping hole in your heart.

Ayoko nang mag-isip, mag-emote, mag-drama--it's not going to do me any good anyways. Tough love daw, sabi nila. But I can't help it. I might as well stop feeling altogether if I do so.

gawd.

2007-08-27T07:33:00.000-07:00

I will never, ever watch a mushy movie again with a guy. Or three guys, for that matter. Una, it's hard to get in the zone and emote when they're laughing like hyenas at every mushy line they hear. Second, it's very, very awkward when it gets to the love scenes, nyerk. Huli, hindi ko mapigilang tumawa kapag naiiyak na sila. Wahahahahaha!

*****

"There will be many times to be all senti and sh*t, but not while we're together." From an old conversation I had with a friend. Tama naman. I only have a little less than a couple of weeks left here, sasayangin ko pa ba by being mopey and weepy and senti and all that hoopla? Hindi na, no. I've had the best month so far, and by God, if I'm going down, I'm going down partying hard! Hahaha.

*****

Bakit nga ba may mga taong nagmamadaling tumanda? Don't they know it sucks when all you've got left is to live your adult life as responsibly as your adult self can? Sus, mga hijo at hija, enjoy it while you can. Sabi nga nung isang t-shirt na nakita ko kanina, "Life is Short. Let's make fun of it." Wahahaha, labo!

*****

Isa pang t-shirt na nakita ko kanina: "Some people are just alive because it's illegal to kill them." So true. Hehe.

what if # 1

2007-08-26T10:25:00.000-07:00

I got this very sad, very beautiful quote from a very good friend, from If I Knew That Today by Gabriel Garcia Marquez:

"If I knew that today would be the last time I’d see you, I would hug you tight and pray the Lord be the keeper of your soul. If I knew that this would be the last time you pass through this door, I’d embrace you, kiss you, and call you back for one more. If I knew that this would be the last time I would hear your voice, I’d take hold of each word to be able to hear it over and over again. If I knew this is the last time I see you, I’d tell you I love you, and would not just assume foolishly you know it already."

I couldn't help but be really touched by it, especially now that certain things are in place, and it's getting tougher each day. I don't welcome this feeling, I don't like it. It seems to like me a lot though, and seems to suit me well. I wish I could say "If I knew things were going to be like this, so and so...", so I would have a good excuse for...this. But I know, and I've known for quite some time, so I don't have a good alibi for being like this. It's just me, and all these things spinning endlessly in my head.

It's always sad when things turn out the way you least expect them to. The countless (and very painful) "what if's" would be asked, but they would nevertheless be left unanswered.

But what if you already knew from afar how the outcome of things are going to be? Would it make things easier to understand, to accept? Or would it just make things all the more painful, knowing that the inevitable is not so far and long in coming?

I know I'll get over this, probably sooner than I think I will. It's just a matter of time before this crazy rut I'm in is reduced to merely "just a phase" in my life.

But it's still here, still fresh, and it scares me that I may never be able to shake it off just like that.

hmmm...

2007-08-25T08:14:00.000-07:00

I think I've just made a realization.

I think I just realized that maybe, I don't really want to do it. Sad.

Oh well.

I wish it was that easy to just say "Oh well."

whattaday.whattanight.whattaweek.

2007-08-25T05:12:00.000-07:00

I guess the title sums it all up.

Fieldtrip. Work. GA. Prod.Work. Fashion Show. Hiyas. Meriendahan. Bow.

Happy endings? Hopefully. My own "two-weeks notice"? Probably.

OK, tama na drama. Masaya na nga e.

UP ARKIFORUM--Best. Org. Ever. Yeyo!

EXECOM '07 (nes, rap, mary, arni, jon, bea, shayne, koyah, daxdax)--Congrats!

Amp. Mami-miss ko 'to. Kitakits na lang next August.

hay...

2007-08-18T06:00:00.000-07:00

"Ang tama, minsan masakit sa umpisa..."

Leni at Anna: Bakit ba natin tinotorture ang mga sarili natin? Ha?! *sniff*

:(

2007-08-17T05:44:00.000-07:00

I don't like it when plans don't push through, whether intentionally or unintended. Especially when you've been looking forward to it for so long. That feeling sucks, big time.

But then.... C'est la vie.

I know what can make me get over this--ice cream and a nice, mushy movie.

Any takers? :p