Mixed-up
I got a letter from the US Embassy today. I'm scheduled for an interview for my visa application a couple of weeks from now. I know, it's just a letter, and it's just an interview. There's no telling really what can happen. I may pass, I may be denied. I just can't help but feel a little mixed up.
God knows how much I want this. I've been wanting it for over half my life, since I was 8 and my mom had to go to the US to work. I was so miserable on my 9 birthday, despite the huge party, despite the many gifts, despite everyone--including my dad--wishing me a happy birthday. That year I vowed to work and pray my butt off so that one day, I could finally get a taste of "the american dream" and that Mama and I don't have to spend birthdays and Christmases and New Years apart. But now that it's just an arm's length away, I don't quite know what to feel.
As part of me wants this so damn much, part of me can't help but feel sad that I'm thisclose. Honestly, I worry about my grandpa--how he's so bull-headed about not wanting to go back with us. I just can't see myself leaving him all alone, specially now that he's old and sick and all that. I worry about leaving all my friends behind--worried that I may not come back to the same people after some time, or if there will be people to come back to.
It sucks being at the crossroads. It sucks even though I know I should be thankful for it, knowing that lots of Pinoys would kill for a chance at a better life. It kinda makes me feel guilty for feeling this way. Ironic. But I'm just a person, and I can't really help it if my heart's feeling what it's feeling right now. I'm just so torn between being happy and being a little bit sad, between my worries and my relief.
But a girl's gotta do what a girl has to do. Even if she doesn't exactly know what it is.
God knows how much I want this. I've been wanting it for over half my life, since I was 8 and my mom had to go to the US to work. I was so miserable on my 9 birthday, despite the huge party, despite the many gifts, despite everyone--including my dad--wishing me a happy birthday. That year I vowed to work and pray my butt off so that one day, I could finally get a taste of "the american dream" and that Mama and I don't have to spend birthdays and Christmases and New Years apart. But now that it's just an arm's length away, I don't quite know what to feel.
As part of me wants this so damn much, part of me can't help but feel sad that I'm thisclose. Honestly, I worry about my grandpa--how he's so bull-headed about not wanting to go back with us. I just can't see myself leaving him all alone, specially now that he's old and sick and all that. I worry about leaving all my friends behind--worried that I may not come back to the same people after some time, or if there will be people to come back to.
It sucks being at the crossroads. It sucks even though I know I should be thankful for it, knowing that lots of Pinoys would kill for a chance at a better life. It kinda makes me feel guilty for feeling this way. Ironic. But I'm just a person, and I can't really help it if my heart's feeling what it's feeling right now. I'm just so torn between being happy and being a little bit sad, between my worries and my relief.
But a girl's gotta do what a girl has to do. Even if she doesn't exactly know what it is.
posted by anj at 10:37 PM
2 Comments:
ano beh?? andito ka pa at binabasa ko pa lang to, nasasad na ko!!! :( hehe goodluck! *mwah!
anj!
grabe... just like how i felt a year ago before i left... ganun talaga eh.
pareho tayo ng naging worry about leaving friends, kung may babalikan pa ba tayo or baka nagbago na sila or whatever... di naman maiiwasan yun eh. in my case, yeah may changes talaga.
basta, pag nagpang-abot tayo dun, eh di ayus. :)
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