the biggest question:
Can I not care that much?
Though she's 3 years younger, I've always treated my sister as a buddy, a barkada--as an equal. I've never lorded nor rubbed in her face my authority, being the eldest child (well, maybe, except for a few times that I got first dibs on makeup and/or food :p). Growing up with neither Mom nor Dad nearby, I made it the top priority of my life to look after her welfare, make sure she's doing ok, support her in her life choices, etc, etc. In short, all the good stuff that sisterhoods are made of. She is my baby sister, and sometimes the word baby had a greater influence on my actions with her than the part that says sister.
Now that I think about it, maybe I am somehow at fault because of that.
Recent events have somehow led me to feel that maybe, just maybe, I should have been more big sister than buddy, more ate than just plain Anj. I still see and feel the respect that my sister affords me--let's be clear about that. But something has definitely changed between me and her. Nowadays, she hardly ever listens to anything I have to say. She doesn't seem to take me seriously when I act like the big sister that I am. It's very difficult for me--not to mention painful--to deal with something like that. I am torn between following my mandate of responsibility and letting the pal in me prevail.
My sister is growing up, and really, I should just do my part and give her wings to fly. But I worry--I worry for her, out in the big, bad world with the big, bad wolves waiting to pounce at the slightest whiff of fresh meat. I trust her, but then, there have been many instances when that trust has been breached. And sometimes, instead of waiting patiently for her to mend that trust, it seems that I am just waiting for her to mess up again, so I can finally make my mind up about how to deal with her. I hate that.
People tell me I should just let her run and fall, that she may learn to rise up and dust herself off on her own. I try. But I must admit that it's still hard for me, having been used to running after her and picking her up all these years.
Sometimes I'd also like to think that this is partly her wrongdoing too, letting me be that huge a factor in her life. Caring for my sister has always been my biggest vice, and I'm not sure if I can go cold turkey on that.
Though she's 3 years younger, I've always treated my sister as a buddy, a barkada--as an equal. I've never lorded nor rubbed in her face my authority, being the eldest child (well, maybe, except for a few times that I got first dibs on makeup and/or food :p). Growing up with neither Mom nor Dad nearby, I made it the top priority of my life to look after her welfare, make sure she's doing ok, support her in her life choices, etc, etc. In short, all the good stuff that sisterhoods are made of. She is my baby sister, and sometimes the word baby had a greater influence on my actions with her than the part that says sister.
Now that I think about it, maybe I am somehow at fault because of that.
Recent events have somehow led me to feel that maybe, just maybe, I should have been more big sister than buddy, more ate than just plain Anj. I still see and feel the respect that my sister affords me--let's be clear about that. But something has definitely changed between me and her. Nowadays, she hardly ever listens to anything I have to say. She doesn't seem to take me seriously when I act like the big sister that I am. It's very difficult for me--not to mention painful--to deal with something like that. I am torn between following my mandate of responsibility and letting the pal in me prevail.
My sister is growing up, and really, I should just do my part and give her wings to fly. But I worry--I worry for her, out in the big, bad world with the big, bad wolves waiting to pounce at the slightest whiff of fresh meat. I trust her, but then, there have been many instances when that trust has been breached. And sometimes, instead of waiting patiently for her to mend that trust, it seems that I am just waiting for her to mess up again, so I can finally make my mind up about how to deal with her. I hate that.
People tell me I should just let her run and fall, that she may learn to rise up and dust herself off on her own. I try. But I must admit that it's still hard for me, having been used to running after her and picking her up all these years.
Sometimes I'd also like to think that this is partly her wrongdoing too, letting me be that huge a factor in her life. Caring for my sister has always been my biggest vice, and I'm not sure if I can go cold turkey on that.
Labels: senti-mode
posted by anj at 8:46 AM
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