going against the grain.

I am a people-pleaser. Or at least I used to be. I used to think that the only way to get by in life was to make sure you got along with everybody, that everyone liked you, that you be and do what people would like you to be so as not to create conflict. Para mas madali ang buhay.

But it gets tiring. To be stifling your opinions because you know it may start a debate, to constantly fear rejection--to be walking on eggshells when you've got clumsy, size-8 feet :p
There's but a fine line separating being a people-pleaser and a pushover. That's what I'm trying hard not to breach.

I'm not saying that I won't care now about how people feel and think--insensitive is still different from assertive. I guess what I'm saying is, at this age (I'm old :p) I should be free to act and feel like I want to, because frankly enough, I feel like I've proven that I can be a good person, that I'm not totally evil when I do things that they don't agree to. This is just me saying that when I am upset or angry or frustrated, I won't say "It's ok"--you'll know it. And that I am not all the time the open-armed ate figure that most people see me as. That when I'm pissed off, I can do the silliest, stupidest things and I won't regret them later.

I like making people happy. I like hearing them laugh (sometimes at my expense), like taking their blues away. But I also like being happy, and sometimes my idea of happy may not be the same as others. My methods may not be what's usual and ideal--sometimes it happens upon someone else's expense.To each his (or her) own. Like my mom puts it, it's my method to the madness.

I'm human. I'm allowed my own personal highs and lows--and in so many ways. If this allows other people to judge me, then so be it. But there shouldn't be anything wrong when I am allowed my opinion of other people. Life is unfair (that, by the way, is an understatement). Let's just say that this is my way of making mine even.