My mom came home last night and caught me and my sister sorting out stuff to pack for the trip back to Manila. I did not want that. I hated the way her face sort of fell and the way she said, "Aww. Will you guys miss me?"
I wanted to cry. I could've said, "Of course, Ma, I'll miss you a lot." But I didn't. I just brushed it off like she was being silly about it. Then I realized how utterly in denial I am of this whole going home thing. I'm acting like it's no big deal when in fact, it kills me that I only have practically 2 days left with my family.
I haven't even begun packing. That's something, considering I was all packed up and ready to go 2 weeks before I was set to come here. I was so excited then, I couldn't sleep. Now it's as if I'm putting off both sleeping and packing as if I would be able to put off going home in doing so. That, to me, is like the yin and yang of things. That comic on TV was right when he said that everything is trapped and moving around in life's vicious circle. And whoever was responsible for, "You can't have your cake and eat it too."--he was also right about that.
Back to that moment with my Mom. That was bad. Like being caught with your hand on the cookie jar. I couldn't sleep last night because of that moment, which kept rewinding itself over and over again in my head. Arghhhhhhhhh!
I was tossing and turning so bad in my bed last night, I told myself, "Get the hell up and do something, moron." So I wrote. I was so rusty, I had my pen in my hand, staring blankly on that piece of paper for like, half an hour. I remember thinking, "Oh... so this is writer's block. Damn!"
I haven't written anything (except for my posts here) in a million years. Finally, when I was about to give up, something in my head just clicked and the words literally started to flow.
Last night, I came up with two poems. It's such a huge deal to me since it's been like 6-7 years since I did something like that. There was just simply no time, no space, no inspiration even. But last night, there was. That simple, unexpected moment was so catalytic for me. It's funny, because definitely, it was something I did not welcome, yet it presented an opportunity for inspiration.
Life will never let you fall and push you down in the dirt. I believe in that. Somewhere, somehow, there will always be room for redemption.
I wanted to cry. I could've said, "Of course, Ma, I'll miss you a lot." But I didn't. I just brushed it off like she was being silly about it. Then I realized how utterly in denial I am of this whole going home thing. I'm acting like it's no big deal when in fact, it kills me that I only have practically 2 days left with my family.
I haven't even begun packing. That's something, considering I was all packed up and ready to go 2 weeks before I was set to come here. I was so excited then, I couldn't sleep. Now it's as if I'm putting off both sleeping and packing as if I would be able to put off going home in doing so. That, to me, is like the yin and yang of things. That comic on TV was right when he said that everything is trapped and moving around in life's vicious circle. And whoever was responsible for, "You can't have your cake and eat it too."--he was also right about that.
Back to that moment with my Mom. That was bad. Like being caught with your hand on the cookie jar. I couldn't sleep last night because of that moment, which kept rewinding itself over and over again in my head. Arghhhhhhhhh!
I was tossing and turning so bad in my bed last night, I told myself, "Get the hell up and do something, moron." So I wrote. I was so rusty, I had my pen in my hand, staring blankly on that piece of paper for like, half an hour. I remember thinking, "Oh... so this is writer's block. Damn!"
I haven't written anything (except for my posts here) in a million years. Finally, when I was about to give up, something in my head just clicked and the words literally started to flow.
Last night, I came up with two poems. It's such a huge deal to me since it's been like 6-7 years since I did something like that. There was just simply no time, no space, no inspiration even. But last night, there was. That simple, unexpected moment was so catalytic for me. It's funny, because definitely, it was something I did not welcome, yet it presented an opportunity for inspiration.
Life will never let you fall and push you down in the dirt. I believe in that. Somewhere, somehow, there will always be room for redemption.
posted by anj at 12:22 PM
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