random thoughts.
Sometimes I feel like I'm just way in over my head about a lot of things. The thing is, I don't feel it until I'm so deep into it I can't just get out. Like wading in choppy waters then all of a sudden realizing...I can't swim to save my life.
I remember a conversation I had with a friend a few months ago, about sudden realizations in the most unexpected places, and emotions you just can't--for the love of God--keep in check. All of a sudden something inside just bursts open, like a dam seeping, leaking, trickle by trickle--until it can't contain itself any further and out comes the raging flood swallowing everything in its path. I've heard somewhere--some movie perhaps--that people cry because their emotions tend to be so great and their bodies just break down, give in. That's exactly how it felt.
It was unfair. It still is unfair and yet, no one and nothing are to blame because life really isn't fair at all. We learn that irrepressible consciousness at such a young age--that you can't have all the toys you want, that Mommy and Daddy can't be with you all the time, that you have to give someone else their turn on the swings. It didn't seem fair then, and you think that things will change as soon as you grow up. But truth is, you're just rearing yourself for sacrifices much, much greater than just giving up your turn to play. It's all just a vicious (albeit normal) cycle--one that goes dizzyingly round and round, with you at the center.
Sometimes truth comes in the most inopportune times, and from the mouths of the most unexpected. But truth is truth, no matter how it pains you and no matter how you wish to change it--it remains fact.
Note to self: Truth is, it didn't really matter. It was not a big a deal as you thought it was, and maybe, just maybe, you just enjoyed feeling that important. Three is company, and five? Five is just plain crazy.
I remember a conversation I had with a friend a few months ago, about sudden realizations in the most unexpected places, and emotions you just can't--for the love of God--keep in check. All of a sudden something inside just bursts open, like a dam seeping, leaking, trickle by trickle--until it can't contain itself any further and out comes the raging flood swallowing everything in its path. I've heard somewhere--some movie perhaps--that people cry because their emotions tend to be so great and their bodies just break down, give in. That's exactly how it felt.
It was unfair. It still is unfair and yet, no one and nothing are to blame because life really isn't fair at all. We learn that irrepressible consciousness at such a young age--that you can't have all the toys you want, that Mommy and Daddy can't be with you all the time, that you have to give someone else their turn on the swings. It didn't seem fair then, and you think that things will change as soon as you grow up. But truth is, you're just rearing yourself for sacrifices much, much greater than just giving up your turn to play. It's all just a vicious (albeit normal) cycle--one that goes dizzyingly round and round, with you at the center.
Sometimes truth comes in the most inopportune times, and from the mouths of the most unexpected. But truth is truth, no matter how it pains you and no matter how you wish to change it--it remains fact.
Note to self: Truth is, it didn't really matter. It was not a big a deal as you thought it was, and maybe, just maybe, you just enjoyed feeling that important. Three is company, and five? Five is just plain crazy.
posted by anj at 1:26 PM
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