putangina.
Previously entitled snap, I decided to change the title to describe more suitably my current sentiment. Enjoy!
I need you. Today I realized how so unbelievable selfish those three words are.
My first reaction was that of worry. Why the urgency, the desperation? Then my worry turned into slight irritation, then into sentimental sadness, and now I'm just...angry. Angry and hurt. It's so ironically, sarcastically funny to me how three little words can be such a huge catalyst in me seeing things for what they truly are.
It's such a shameless, selfish idea to always, always put oneself above others and above everything--I'm literally shaking my head in utter anger and disbelief how some people can be just that self-centered. What's worse is how they sweet-talk you saying, "I'm only looking out for your best interest" or "I'm the only one who's here for you", and then something just snaps and you realize it's just plain bullshit. All those words were just investments for when it's time to collect damages. No investment comes without returns, you know.
It hurts to think that you give your all into something so much that you hardly ever think about yourself, what you truly want, what you truly need. Which is a stupid move, by the way. I have always been reminded that I had my own life to live, and that I shouldn't waste it away by being in a situation that does not allow me to grow and flourish as an individual. However, there are just some people who do not take delight in other people's happiness and that, I realize, is something I just have to deal with.
It frustrates me--this cycle of use and abuse. Will it never end? For me, at least? God, i'm just so sick and tired of it. Actually, if I really put my mind to it, it probably will end--hell, I can chose to end it now, if only there weren't so many factors to consider (See? I'm a pretty considerate person--I don't know why some people just can't afford me the same amount of consideration I give for others). I can end it now, but question is, will it start for someone else? A poor misguided soul to take my place? I cannot bear the thought of that happening. Not in this lifetime, no.
To think I've been dodging and shielding against all the speculations and criticisms and animosity. I've been protecting you godammit! Yet you can't spare me a single minute of my own time. Fuck you.
It embarrasses me to realize what a damn fool I've been all along about all of it. I hurt so many people, dear people I love so much. I lost valuable time, time which I can never ever turn back no matter how hard I try. I'm broken, so broken inside that sometimes I feel like I can never put the pieces back again. All thanks to you. And now I'm thinking, sure, I can whine and complain and cry my eyes out--but then that would leave you with the satisfaction of knowing that you got to me. So I won't. I will come back, and when you see me, you'll know something's up. Something will have changed by then, and you'll most definitely know it.
I need you. Today I realized how so unbelievable selfish those three words are.
My first reaction was that of worry. Why the urgency, the desperation? Then my worry turned into slight irritation, then into sentimental sadness, and now I'm just...angry. Angry and hurt. It's so ironically, sarcastically funny to me how three little words can be such a huge catalyst in me seeing things for what they truly are.
It's such a shameless, selfish idea to always, always put oneself above others and above everything--I'm literally shaking my head in utter anger and disbelief how some people can be just that self-centered. What's worse is how they sweet-talk you saying, "I'm only looking out for your best interest" or "I'm the only one who's here for you", and then something just snaps and you realize it's just plain bullshit. All those words were just investments for when it's time to collect damages. No investment comes without returns, you know.
It hurts to think that you give your all into something so much that you hardly ever think about yourself, what you truly want, what you truly need. Which is a stupid move, by the way. I have always been reminded that I had my own life to live, and that I shouldn't waste it away by being in a situation that does not allow me to grow and flourish as an individual. However, there are just some people who do not take delight in other people's happiness and that, I realize, is something I just have to deal with.
It frustrates me--this cycle of use and abuse. Will it never end? For me, at least? God, i'm just so sick and tired of it. Actually, if I really put my mind to it, it probably will end--hell, I can chose to end it now, if only there weren't so many factors to consider (See? I'm a pretty considerate person--I don't know why some people just can't afford me the same amount of consideration I give for others). I can end it now, but question is, will it start for someone else? A poor misguided soul to take my place? I cannot bear the thought of that happening. Not in this lifetime, no.
To think I've been dodging and shielding against all the speculations and criticisms and animosity. I've been protecting you godammit! Yet you can't spare me a single minute of my own time. Fuck you.
It embarrasses me to realize what a damn fool I've been all along about all of it. I hurt so many people, dear people I love so much. I lost valuable time, time which I can never ever turn back no matter how hard I try. I'm broken, so broken inside that sometimes I feel like I can never put the pieces back again. All thanks to you. And now I'm thinking, sure, I can whine and complain and cry my eyes out--but then that would leave you with the satisfaction of knowing that you got to me. So I won't. I will come back, and when you see me, you'll know something's up. Something will have changed by then, and you'll most definitely know it.
posted by anj at 11:39 PM
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