what if # 1

I got this very sad, very beautiful quote from a very good friend, from If I Knew That Today by Gabriel Garcia Marquez:

"If I knew that today would be the last time I’d see you, I would hug you tight and pray the Lord be the keeper of your soul. If I knew that this would be the last time you pass through this door, I’d embrace you, kiss you, and call you back for one more. If I knew that this would be the last time I would hear your voice, I’d take hold of each word to be able to hear it over and over again. If I knew this is the last time I see you, I’d tell you I love you, and would not just assume foolishly you know it already."

I couldn't help but be really touched by it, especially now that certain things are in place, and it's getting tougher each day. I don't welcome this feeling, I don't like it. It seems to like me a lot though, and seems to suit me well. I wish I could say "If I knew things were going to be like this, so and so...", so I would have a good excuse for...this. But I know, and I've known for quite some time, so I don't have a good alibi for being like this. It's just me, and all these things spinning endlessly in my head.

It's always sad when things turn out the way you least expect them to. The countless (and very painful) "what if's" would be asked, but they would nevertheless be left unanswered.

But what if you already knew from afar how the outcome of things are going to be? Would it make things easier to understand, to accept? Or would it just make things all the more painful, knowing that the inevitable is not so far and long in coming?

I know I'll get over this, probably sooner than I think I will. It's just a matter of time before this crazy rut I'm in is reduced to merely "just a phase" in my life.

But it's still here, still fresh, and it scares me that I may never be able to shake it off just like that.