rain drop blue.

it's been raining lately. cold, hard rain. winter's coming.

rain makes me sad. cold weather makes me sad.

it sucks to be sad when you've got no friends around to make you smile :'(

metafore!

I watched Il Postino yesterday. I love that scene when Neruda asks Mario to say something beautiful about his island. And all Mario could utter was, "Beatrice Russo." (the name of the waitress at Vino en Cantina).

Awww *blushes*

*****

Leni and I were talking about that part in The Alchemist when Coelho says that, "When you really want something, the whole Universe conspires so that you may get it."

Then we decided, hindi yun totoo. Because sometimes, even when you honestly, desperately want something, the ball may be on someone else's court, and that someone will have the power to decide. More often than not, as I've experienced, it won't swing your way. Kaya hindi siya totoo. Coelho must have had a wonderful, glorious moment once in his life that made him come up with such a statement. The rest of us--not as lucky a bastard as he is.

*****

In light of that Coelho moment, I told Leni that I think sometimes even when you've given up everything--your pride, your happiness, your all--just for that one desire, wala pa rin. Wasak ka na, wawasakin ka pa rin nang tuluyan.

leni: parang ako, wasak.
anj: ikaw at ako, wasak.
leni: haha.
anj: baka kaya tayo friends. we may not be part of the same china, but we make a pretty damn fine mosaic :D
leni: tama! ancient-rome mosaic. yes. uma-art stud.

who wants to be part of that mosaic too? :p

*****

Mi Manchi.

Means I miss you in Italian. Although sa Babelfish daw, it means "it lacks to me" (literally), which I first thought was just plain stupid, heehee.

When you actually think about it, though, it does make sense. Because when you miss someone, you do feel like something's not quite there. Like you're incomplete, and you need that certain someone, or something to make you feel whole again. So tama nga, I miss you--because I "lack" you, because you're not here.

*sigh*
Mi manchi.... :'(


*****

It's getting colder by the day. I spend my days running, reading, cooking--by myself. And my nights thinking--still by myself. It's hard. But I'm learning to bite my lip and press on. Because life is hard. For all I know this may just a little pinprick in my life's skin.

I miss bear hugs :(

I have the weirdest feeling in my gut. That sinking feeling--maybe this is what it feels like. I don't like it. Make it stop, please.

"will self-destruct in 3,2,1...."

It was as if a huge bomb had been ticking inside me for days, weeks even, and it just couldn't handlethe pressure any longer. It burst, and out came the feelings that I've been dreading to come out. Those feelings that I brush off, push into the back of my mind with self-reassurance that "everything will be okay", or "it's for the best", and whatnot. I forced myself to believe that I can do it, can get past it coolly like it's no big deal, when in reality it's killing me.

Earlier today I told a friend that one has to learn to face the repercussions of one's actions. 'Wag mong iiyakan yung bagay na pinagdesisyunan at pinilit mong gawin. But some things are easier said than done.

I should be excited. I should be packing my bags, whistling cheerily at the idea of a brand new start--MY brand new start. Pero hindi pala yun ganun kadali, hindi basta basta lang. I feel like by pushing it off as long as I can, I'd be able to find some sense of peace in what I'm about to do. But now I realize that the more I push it off, the more I prolong my agony, and the more complicated it becomes.

I want to do this. I sincerely, honestly want to do this. For myself. I just hope it's that easy to do something that will complete you when all you're left with is a big, gaping hole in your heart.

Ayoko nang mag-isip, mag-emote, mag-drama--it's not going to do me any good anyways. Tough love daw, sabi nila. But I can't help it. I might as well stop feeling altogether if I do so.

what if # 1

I got this very sad, very beautiful quote from a very good friend, from If I Knew That Today by Gabriel Garcia Marquez:

"If I knew that today would be the last time I’d see you, I would hug you tight and pray the Lord be the keeper of your soul. If I knew that this would be the last time you pass through this door, I’d embrace you, kiss you, and call you back for one more. If I knew that this would be the last time I would hear your voice, I’d take hold of each word to be able to hear it over and over again. If I knew this is the last time I see you, I’d tell you I love you, and would not just assume foolishly you know it already."

I couldn't help but be really touched by it, especially now that certain things are in place, and it's getting tougher each day. I don't welcome this feeling, I don't like it. It seems to like me a lot though, and seems to suit me well. I wish I could say "If I knew things were going to be like this, so and so...", so I would have a good excuse for...this. But I know, and I've known for quite some time, so I don't have a good alibi for being like this. It's just me, and all these things spinning endlessly in my head.

It's always sad when things turn out the way you least expect them to. The countless (and very painful) "what if's" would be asked, but they would nevertheless be left unanswered.

But what if you already knew from afar how the outcome of things are going to be? Would it make things easier to understand, to accept? Or would it just make things all the more painful, knowing that the inevitable is not so far and long in coming?

I know I'll get over this, probably sooner than I think I will. It's just a matter of time before this crazy rut I'm in is reduced to merely "just a phase" in my life.

But it's still here, still fresh, and it scares me that I may never be able to shake it off just like that.

hmmm...

I think I've just made a realization.

I think I just realized that maybe, I don't really want to do it. Sad.

Oh well.

I wish it was that easy to just say "Oh well."

:(

I don't like it when plans don't push through, whether intentionally or unintended. Especially when you've been looking forward to it for so long. That feeling sucks, big time.

But then.... C'est la vie.

I know what can make me get over this--ice cream and a nice, mushy movie.

Any takers? :p

pfft.

I wish I was as shallow as, say, Paris Hilton. Then I could just do retail therapy everytime I felt like crap and then *poof*, blues-away!

But I'm not. And it doesn't always work like that.

Phooey.

i'm only happy when it rains (not!)

It's been raining--well, pouring--the past few days, and it sucks when work has you building-hopping with only a very small, very flimsy umbrella as company.

(Hayy. Down in the dumps again. Again!)

Rain--the look, the sound, the feel of it--brings about a lot of things. Feelings, mostly. Thoughts. Ideas. Some crazy, some happy, mostly sad. (I don't know what got into me. I just woke up today suddenly feeling the need to empathize with the weather. Which is very glum, by the way.)

It was raining so hard yesterday that a few of us went a little crazy in the head and went cheap-thrill-food-tripping-arcade-gaming (Lord Evil Bhoy Raf Puna: ADIK!!! :p).

Daxdax and I were supposed to go jogging in the rain this morning. He got tamad (couldn't blame him, masarap matulog these days e), and I, well-- I just wasn't in the mood.

Ayokong maging *gasp* "Voldemort-mode", but I can't help but dwell on the fact that I have less than a month to go before, well, you know (lalo na when there are people reminding you left and right. Hayyy. Lay off muna, people. Parang awa nyo na...)

This entry's a piece of crap. Wala akong sense today (these days, actually). Sorry.

blimey!

I think I've lost my mojo. My writing mojo, that is. I have never been this blank, this stumped-for-words in my entire life, ever. I've never had trouble weaving sentences together, especially not when I'm up against a deadline. Never.

Crap. I feel like crap.