"will self-destruct in 3,2,1...."

It was as if a huge bomb had been ticking inside me for days, weeks even, and it just couldn't handlethe pressure any longer. It burst, and out came the feelings that I've been dreading to come out. Those feelings that I brush off, push into the back of my mind with self-reassurance that "everything will be okay", or "it's for the best", and whatnot. I forced myself to believe that I can do it, can get past it coolly like it's no big deal, when in reality it's killing me.

Earlier today I told a friend that one has to learn to face the repercussions of one's actions. 'Wag mong iiyakan yung bagay na pinagdesisyunan at pinilit mong gawin. But some things are easier said than done.

I should be excited. I should be packing my bags, whistling cheerily at the idea of a brand new start--MY brand new start. Pero hindi pala yun ganun kadali, hindi basta basta lang. I feel like by pushing it off as long as I can, I'd be able to find some sense of peace in what I'm about to do. But now I realize that the more I push it off, the more I prolong my agony, and the more complicated it becomes.

I want to do this. I sincerely, honestly want to do this. For myself. I just hope it's that easy to do something that will complete you when all you're left with is a big, gaping hole in your heart.

Ayoko nang mag-isip, mag-emote, mag-drama--it's not going to do me any good anyways. Tough love daw, sabi nila. But I can't help it. I might as well stop feeling altogether if I do so.