Responsibility
I was really looking forward to having lunch with my brother Luke tomorrow. Unfortunately, Daddy had to go to the hospital and I've got to look after him, so I cancelled. Too bad.
It's weird having moments like that. Just when you mapped everything out and got psyched about it, something goes wrong. But hey, a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do. I just have to make it up to Luke sometime. After all, daddy needs me more. At times like these it's not what you's rather do that counts--it's what you're supposed to do.
I've been getting these guilt pangs since early today. I woke up cranky (slept at 4am today-- I rushed my grandpa to the ER coz I thought he was having an attack) and was planning on pouring my crankiness out into polishing the floors (my newfound therapy). I got called downstairs because Daddy said he wanted to talk--he wasn't feeling well and was thinking of having himself confined for tests and such. It kinda got me irritated--his doctor was begging him to have himself admitted last night but he refused, and now he's telling me he fnally wanted to do it. So I was just nodding my yeses and mumbling my answers. I wasn't in the mood.
He probably sensed it. Then he said he didn't want to, but he had to do it. And he sort of apologized for all the things we had to put up with because of his health problems. He kinda pleaded that we bear with it for a little longer. And then he goes, "I feel like my days are numbered."--his exact words--like he always does when he's not feeling well.
I felt like crap. Guilty crap.
It wasn't a guilt trap--like when someone makes you feel so low purposely so that he/she gets what he/she wants. But if it was (which I don't think it is), I fell for it hook, line and sinker.
That image from today pops into my head from time to time, and I feel like I should do something to make up for the a-hole I was.
I should really snap out of this bratinella mode of mine and try to be nicer. Have a little more patience, a little more sympathy. It don't think it would kill me to do so.
God, I hope not.
So I'm starting right here, right now. I know their not gonna be able to read this, but I'm doing it anyway.
To LUKE, I'm sorry I wasn't a better ate. I promise to treat you to lunch and a trip to the theme park the next time I see you.
To DADDY, I'm sorry I sometimes act like an ungrateful b*tch. I love you, and that's never going to change.
God, I feel better already.
It's weird having moments like that. Just when you mapped everything out and got psyched about it, something goes wrong. But hey, a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do. I just have to make it up to Luke sometime. After all, daddy needs me more. At times like these it's not what you's rather do that counts--it's what you're supposed to do.
I've been getting these guilt pangs since early today. I woke up cranky (slept at 4am today-- I rushed my grandpa to the ER coz I thought he was having an attack) and was planning on pouring my crankiness out into polishing the floors (my newfound therapy). I got called downstairs because Daddy said he wanted to talk--he wasn't feeling well and was thinking of having himself confined for tests and such. It kinda got me irritated--his doctor was begging him to have himself admitted last night but he refused, and now he's telling me he fnally wanted to do it. So I was just nodding my yeses and mumbling my answers. I wasn't in the mood.
He probably sensed it. Then he said he didn't want to, but he had to do it. And he sort of apologized for all the things we had to put up with because of his health problems. He kinda pleaded that we bear with it for a little longer. And then he goes, "I feel like my days are numbered."--his exact words--like he always does when he's not feeling well.
I felt like crap. Guilty crap.
It wasn't a guilt trap--like when someone makes you feel so low purposely so that he/she gets what he/she wants. But if it was (which I don't think it is), I fell for it hook, line and sinker.
That image from today pops into my head from time to time, and I feel like I should do something to make up for the a-hole I was.
I should really snap out of this bratinella mode of mine and try to be nicer. Have a little more patience, a little more sympathy. It don't think it would kill me to do so.
God, I hope not.
So I'm starting right here, right now. I know their not gonna be able to read this, but I'm doing it anyway.
To LUKE, I'm sorry I wasn't a better ate. I promise to treat you to lunch and a trip to the theme park the next time I see you.
To DADDY, I'm sorry I sometimes act like an ungrateful b*tch. I love you, and that's never going to change.
God, I feel better already.
posted by anj at 10:15 AM
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