help.

I called to update the status of our Green Cards today. It should arrive in the mail soon enough. I should be happy. Yet there's this feeling of uneasiness in me. I don't understand. I know I should be happy. In a way, I am. But in a way, I'm also not so sold on it.

I can finally go home. I should be happy. There's been too much moping around here and it's getting old. I have my job (hopefully, still) waiting for me, my grandpa, my friends. I finally get to go back to my world.

Somehow, I feel so...unsure, I guess. Like that song (haha. it's so hard to make myself laugh at this time). Like part of me just wants to stay here and do something for and by myself. Like grow up, for instance.

I don't want to leave my mom behind. I wanna spend Thanksgiving with her and family in Cincinnati.

Damn it's so hard. I don't like this feeling. I reallly, absolutely don't. It's like my brain is beng pulled too many different directions at a time.

If it wasn't for the job back home I'd still stay. Then again it's not really the actual job but the issues that come with it. Like responsibility, hiya. I suppose I could quit if I wanted to stay longer, but I'd be feeling like an utter ingrate for doing so. Right now, it's the only thing that's (quite frankly) messing me up. I know for sure my friends won't mind. Not even Daddy. Then again, I wouldn't really care if they did.

If I chose not to stay a while, I'm pretty sure I'd be feeling miserable about leaving my mom behind, about not being able to see my sister turn five, about not being close enough to the people I care about the most. Yun lang... napaka-simple. But being like that all my life doesn't mean that I've gotten used to it, you know. I don't want to do this all my life, jetting in and out of places just to be with everybody. It's too tiring, too depressing and it never really makes everyone completely happy.

I wish I could be like my friend Jen, who's been here two years and hasn't looked back because she doesn't feel the need to. Or like Jay, who's so independent at such a young age it's ok with him not to be with his family most of the time. Or my cousin Marie, who is able to stand up and be herself amidst friends of a different culture.

But I'm not. And no matter how hard I try to be at this point that I should be, I just can't.

I'm thinking the sooner I do it, the easier it's gonna be for everybody. Go home, back to work, back to my friends, back to Daddy. Get my act together, take care of everything that needs to be taken care of until next year...then finally say my goodbyes. For real.

If only it was so easy to actually do it.

God, I'm such a mess. I don't know what to do anymore.