trying to be fancy: April 2006

Tearstained.

Another tearstained Sunday...

Sometimes I feel as if it's hard to be the person that I am. Someone very emotional, sentimental, paranoid to a fault, has the ability to stretch one's own limits till breaking point, self-deprecating, self-imposing of burdens and responsibilities. Don't get me wrong--this is not (and never will be) meant as a love letter to myself, an ode meant to stuff one's ego fat. Honestly speaking this may, in fact, be just the extreme opposite.

I guess all I'm trying to say is...mahirap maging ako.

I don't even remember exactly how I came to be like this today, but I do know why I am feeling this way ( A feeling that I hope, for the life of me, will not be there when I wake up tomorrow--it's just too exhausting!). I am well aware of the catalyst that urged this feeling out of my spirit, but I don't really feel the need to share and shout it out to the world...wide web?

I also know I will wake up tomorrow, remember this day, and be sheepish about it--as I always am everytime I remember my "Crazy-Anj" moments (which have now surpassed my fingers and toes in count).

Don't worry about me, people. I'm just having one heck of a crappy day.

LSS.

This song's been spinning in my head since I heard Elliott perform it on AI. I think it's an absolutely beautiful song--damang-dama!

A Song for You
Donny Hathaway

I've been so many places in my life and time
I've sung a lot of songs I've made some bad rhyme
I've acted out my love in stages
With ten thousand people watching
But we're alone now and I'm singing this song for you

I know your image of me is what I hope to be
I've treated you unkindly but darlin' can't you see
There's no one more important to me
Darlin' can't you please see through me
Cause we're alone now and I'm singing this song for you

You taught me precious secrets of the truth witholding nothing
You came out in front and I was hiding
But now I'm so much better and if my words don't come together
Listen to the melody cause my love is in there hiding

I love you in a place where there's no space or time
I love you for in my life you are a friend of mine
And when my life is over
Remember when we were together
We were alone and I was singing this song for you

You taught me precious secrets of the truth witholding nothing
You came out in front and I was hiding
But now I'm so much better and if my words don't come together
Listen to the melody cause my love is in there hiding

I love you in a place where there's no space or time
I love you for in my life you are a friend of mine
And when my life is over
Remember when we were together
We were alone and I was singing this song for you
We were alone and I was singing this song for you

Uh-oh.

My birth data (paulsadowski.com) says that I am:

"Unrelenting, strange and full of contrasts, often egoistic, aggressive, noble, broad horizon, unexpected reactions, spontaneous, unlimited ambition, no flexibility, difficult and uncommon partner, not always liked but often admired, ingenious strategist, very jealous and passionate, no compromises."

Kind of menacing, when I think about it. Weird, I was just talking about something like it with a few friends last night. And now to be told almost the same thing is, well...a scary thought.

Seriously?!

SENTI-ments

I'm glad I was talked into attending both College and University Graduation Ceremonies. After almost 7 years of college, I felt at first like graduation was something I'd just like to get over and be done with--what mattered was the fact that I did finish. But now it feels like after almost 7 years, I deserved all that special planning and all those rites and regalia. I'm glad I did it.

It was bittersweet--part of me was happy to be called a UP graduate, yet part of me didn't want to let go of the honor that came with being a UP student...not just yet. My sister, having graduated first, said that it was a normal feeling. I guess...

I was glad I went to the Arki graduation. I even got to receive an award for AF, which made me all the more happy and proud to have been part of it, and vice-versa. I also got to present a flower (a batch gimmick) to the guest of honor. Most of all, I had the chance to bond with everyone--though we may not have started out batchmates--even those I've never, even once, talked to in my entire stay in Arki. It was a nice feeling.

I'm glad I braved the sweltering April heat during University Graduation--and in Filipiniana attire, nonetheless. It was a rare moment being with all my fellow Batch 2006 grads, cheering each other on, as we stood up to be recognized by the entire University and finally to be hailed as the Graduates of 2006. I never fully felt the emotion that came with singing the UP Naming Mahal until yesterday. It just, I don't know, brought chills--good ones, of course.

grad march

accepting an award for AF (yebah!)

obvious bang masaya ako? :p

"with a smile"

ron, dara and me

pati ba naman sa grad...brokebackan pa rin?

bruce and diegolas

sungodesses...hehe

mga dalagang Pilipina...graduate na!!!!

congrats batch 2006!!! (ma'am lisa singit!)

future co-profs? :p

anna and me

postcard-ish...

Conversations.

I had a really long conversation with a friend over dinner a couple of days ago. It always amazes me how conversations go from the very trivial, small talk type and grow into something that digs deep into both parties--both of which end up more educated, more in tune...more tolerant, at times. Talk may be cheap, but the things you get from conversations (regardless of how short or how lenghty they are)...PRICELESS (just like a VISA ad).

Change.

April signifies many things in my life: Graduation, work, new opportunities, a new look, fresh perspectives--not to mention one full year of blogging (which is a small feat for someone who's kept journals for a measly couple of months, max).

So I decided to change how my blog looks, along with a few personal changes I promised myself. It wasn't just another I'm-sick-of-how-my-blog-looks-I'm-going-to-change-it moment for me--far from it. It's a start, hoping that these little external transformations will all add up and eventually translate themselves into tangible developments sooner or later.

I like this newfound simplicity. It is blank, yet not bland nor dull--it does not have to be. It's very promising, to say the least. And though it is far from perfect or say, beautiful, I really like it and the idea of my own life being like it--a blank sheet of paper with countless possibilities.

I didn't want to make this all senti and melancholic, but I now find myself feeling just that. Maybe it's what accomplishing something does to a person. Maybe I'm just being the bright-eyed optimist I've always been.

Whatever it may be, I know that for this silent moment (and hopefully for more to come), I am truly happy.

Fixation.

Wouldn't It Be Nice?
Beach Boys

Wouldn't it be nice if we were older?
Then we wouldn't have to wait so long.
And wouldn't it be nice to live together
In the kind of world where we belong?

You know it's gonna make it that much better
When we can say goodnight and stay together...

Wouldn't it be nice if we could wake up
In the morning when the day is new?
And after having spent the day together
Hold each other close the whole night through?

Happy times together we've been spending,
I wish that every kiss was never ending...
Wouldn't it be nice?

Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray
It might come true.
Baby then there wouldn't be a single thing we couldn't do
We could be married
And then we'd be happy.
Wouldn't it be nice?

You know it seems the more we talk about it
It only makes it worse to live without it.
But let's talk about it,
Wouldn't it be nice?

Streetwalking.

Went on a Visita Iglesia with my sister Maundy Thursday (what the heck does maundy mean, anyway?). Was supposed to go to 7 different churches around the Metro--until we came upon San Agustin in Intramuros. Just couldn't resist examining the church's magnificent details, perusing the museum corridors and stopping for photo-ops once in a while (Pictures below--hope you guys like them!).

If there was such a thing as an enjoyable penitencia, walking around the San Agustin Museum had to be it. Proof? The familiar feel of aching feet and sore calves earned from traversing its historic corridors and browsing through ages and ages of art, artifacts and tales--our little slice of Da Vinci Code heaven, it seemed.

We did finish our Via Crucis (after kind of starting on the wrong foot--who knew there was a new version circulating about? Us, apparently.) at Santa Cruz Church, among other families, groups of friends, and solo-flyers catching up to partake of what remained of Holy Week.

Check us out doing the tourist thing! :p