surreal but nice.

Chillax-ed after last Tuesday's, um, "thing". Overnight at Rap's. Chocolate Kiss with Foomy and Leni. The "Taxi Epiphany" just a while ago. Work later, and tomorrow. Not so usual, for usually-hectic and stressed-out me, but I enjoy it nevertheless. Surreal, but nice.

"will self-destruct in 3,2,1...."

It was as if a huge bomb had been ticking inside me for days, weeks even, and it just couldn't handlethe pressure any longer. It burst, and out came the feelings that I've been dreading to come out. Those feelings that I brush off, push into the back of my mind with self-reassurance that "everything will be okay", or "it's for the best", and whatnot. I forced myself to believe that I can do it, can get past it coolly like it's no big deal, when in reality it's killing me.

Earlier today I told a friend that one has to learn to face the repercussions of one's actions. 'Wag mong iiyakan yung bagay na pinagdesisyunan at pinilit mong gawin. But some things are easier said than done.

I should be excited. I should be packing my bags, whistling cheerily at the idea of a brand new start--MY brand new start. Pero hindi pala yun ganun kadali, hindi basta basta lang. I feel like by pushing it off as long as I can, I'd be able to find some sense of peace in what I'm about to do. But now I realize that the more I push it off, the more I prolong my agony, and the more complicated it becomes.

I want to do this. I sincerely, honestly want to do this. For myself. I just hope it's that easy to do something that will complete you when all you're left with is a big, gaping hole in your heart.

Ayoko nang mag-isip, mag-emote, mag-drama--it's not going to do me any good anyways. Tough love daw, sabi nila. But I can't help it. I might as well stop feeling altogether if I do so.

gawd.

I will never, ever watch a mushy movie again with a guy. Or three guys, for that matter. Una, it's hard to get in the zone and emote when they're laughing like hyenas at every mushy line they hear. Second, it's very, very awkward when it gets to the love scenes, nyerk. Huli, hindi ko mapigilang tumawa kapag naiiyak na sila. Wahahahahaha!

*****

"There will be many times to be all senti and sh*t, but not while we're together." From an old conversation I had with a friend. Tama naman. I only have a little less than a couple of weeks left here, sasayangin ko pa ba by being mopey and weepy and senti and all that hoopla? Hindi na, no. I've had the best month so far, and by God, if I'm going down, I'm going down partying hard! Hahaha.

*****

Bakit nga ba may mga taong nagmamadaling tumanda? Don't they know it sucks when all you've got left is to live your adult life as responsibly as your adult self can? Sus, mga hijo at hija, enjoy it while you can. Sabi nga nung isang t-shirt na nakita ko kanina, "Life is Short. Let's make fun of it." Wahahaha, labo!

*****

Isa pang t-shirt na nakita ko kanina: "Some people are just alive because it's illegal to kill them." So true. Hehe.

what if # 1

I got this very sad, very beautiful quote from a very good friend, from If I Knew That Today by Gabriel Garcia Marquez:

"If I knew that today would be the last time I’d see you, I would hug you tight and pray the Lord be the keeper of your soul. If I knew that this would be the last time you pass through this door, I’d embrace you, kiss you, and call you back for one more. If I knew that this would be the last time I would hear your voice, I’d take hold of each word to be able to hear it over and over again. If I knew this is the last time I see you, I’d tell you I love you, and would not just assume foolishly you know it already."

I couldn't help but be really touched by it, especially now that certain things are in place, and it's getting tougher each day. I don't welcome this feeling, I don't like it. It seems to like me a lot though, and seems to suit me well. I wish I could say "If I knew things were going to be like this, so and so...", so I would have a good excuse for...this. But I know, and I've known for quite some time, so I don't have a good alibi for being like this. It's just me, and all these things spinning endlessly in my head.

It's always sad when things turn out the way you least expect them to. The countless (and very painful) "what if's" would be asked, but they would nevertheless be left unanswered.

But what if you already knew from afar how the outcome of things are going to be? Would it make things easier to understand, to accept? Or would it just make things all the more painful, knowing that the inevitable is not so far and long in coming?

I know I'll get over this, probably sooner than I think I will. It's just a matter of time before this crazy rut I'm in is reduced to merely "just a phase" in my life.

But it's still here, still fresh, and it scares me that I may never be able to shake it off just like that.

hmmm...

I think I've just made a realization.

I think I just realized that maybe, I don't really want to do it. Sad.

Oh well.

I wish it was that easy to just say "Oh well."

whattaday.whattanight.whattaweek.

I guess the title sums it all up.

Fieldtrip. Work. GA. Prod.Work. Fashion Show. Hiyas. Meriendahan. Bow.

Happy endings? Hopefully. My own "two-weeks notice"? Probably.

OK, tama na drama. Masaya na nga e.

UP ARKIFORUM--Best. Org. Ever. Yeyo!

EXECOM '07 (nes, rap, mary, arni, jon, bea, shayne, koyah, daxdax)--Congrats!

Amp. Mami-miss ko 'to. Kitakits na lang next August.

hay...

"Ang tama, minsan masakit sa umpisa..."

Leni at Anna: Bakit ba natin tinotorture ang mga sarili natin? Ha?! *sniff*

:(

I don't like it when plans don't push through, whether intentionally or unintended. Especially when you've been looking forward to it for so long. That feeling sucks, big time.

But then.... C'est la vie.

I know what can make me get over this--ice cream and a nice, mushy movie.

Any takers? :p

i love UP ARCHITECTURE FORUUUUUUUM!

Meriendahan na bukas. At kahit binagyo ang AF Week at may impending bagyo na nagte-threaten sa Meriendahan, wala akong paki. Wahaha.

Happy AF Week, everybody!

Yeyo!

inked.

Wahahahaha. I did it.

sabado nights (te-ne-ne-nen!)

Just got home from prod for AF Week. I don't know why the hell I'm still doing this, I'm supposed to be sitting back, just waiting for Meriendahan to come. Must be FTL--For The Loooooooove!!! :p

Had dinner at Jammin' Jamaica (officially one of my favorite places to date) with Daxdax, Shayne, Lord Evil Bhoy Rap Pickapeppa, Senor Munda and Rosab. Tawa-to-death again over, um, "kwento". hahaha.

To tat or not to tat? I don't even know why I'm still asking this--I'm definitely set on it. I have the perfect design and the money (which I hope is enough), I will sooooo do it tomorrow. Call me loser if I don't have it done come AF Week opening (gah!).

This upcoming presentation for the Chancellor and Senator Angara is definitely making me at wit's end. Pressure!!!! Wah. Kaya ko 'to!!!!

yahu.

First smile of the day, woohoo :)

Not so much in a crappy/crabby mood now. See, while a dour mood may be the perfect excuse to binge on food and max-out that credit card, it isn't always fulfilling. A conversation with a friend (or friends, in my case) is, simply put, guiltless and fat free. Who needs comfort food and retail therapy when you have great friends? (tenchu daxdax kulotski and leneh-betch for bearing with a weirdo like me :p)

And speaking of friends, I have one particularly in mind:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LENIBANANA!!!!

*mwah*

pfft.

I wish I was as shallow as, say, Paris Hilton. Then I could just do retail therapy everytime I felt like crap and then *poof*, blues-away!

But I'm not. And it doesn't always work like that.

Phooey.

i'm only happy when it rains (not!)

It's been raining--well, pouring--the past few days, and it sucks when work has you building-hopping with only a very small, very flimsy umbrella as company.

(Hayy. Down in the dumps again. Again!)

Rain--the look, the sound, the feel of it--brings about a lot of things. Feelings, mostly. Thoughts. Ideas. Some crazy, some happy, mostly sad. (I don't know what got into me. I just woke up today suddenly feeling the need to empathize with the weather. Which is very glum, by the way.)

It was raining so hard yesterday that a few of us went a little crazy in the head and went cheap-thrill-food-tripping-arcade-gaming (Lord Evil Bhoy Raf Puna: ADIK!!! :p).

Daxdax and I were supposed to go jogging in the rain this morning. He got tamad (couldn't blame him, masarap matulog these days e), and I, well-- I just wasn't in the mood.

Ayokong maging *gasp* "Voldemort-mode", but I can't help but dwell on the fact that I have less than a month to go before, well, you know (lalo na when there are people reminding you left and right. Hayyy. Lay off muna, people. Parang awa nyo na...)

This entry's a piece of crap. Wala akong sense today (these days, actually). Sorry.

whattanight. tugsh.

What. A. Night.

I should never attempt to throw a surprise party for anyone, ever again. I just end up surprising myself, rather than the person involved. Hehe.

Crazy, crazy, crazy. It's all a blur now. Like a looong slideshow running in my mind. Wahaha.

To everyone that was there: Dax, Annabanana, X, Cheska, Rufi, JP, Joe, Mike, Jika, Jay, Sudar, JB, Foomy, and "Star-of-the-Night" Leni--THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES!(or what's left of it :p) Wahahahaha.

In two weeks time ulit! Yahu! Xp

08.02.07.

August 2, 2007--would have been my Lola Angel's 91st birthday. Wherever you are Mommy, we hope you're happy :)

August 2, 2007--ang pinaka-astig na gabi sa talambuhay ko ng pagtambay sa Sarah's. AF Invasion, to the max. Lahat sila andun--mga taong madalas mong kasama, mga taong matagal mo nang nakakasama, mga taong matagal mo nang hindi nakakasama, mga taong ngayon mo lang nakasama. Basta. Mahirap ipaliwanag. Pero dalawang salita lang ang pumapasok sa isip ko ngayon: PRE-MERIENDAHAN. Anong sinabi ng mga Hollywood Pre-show Parties? Panis silang lahat!!!

August 2, 2007--ang araw (o gabi) na hindi ko makakalimutan sa buong buhay ko. Mauuna ko pa sigurong makalimutan ang pangalan ko bago ko makalimutan ang gabing ito. The stuff that legends are made of. Wahaha.

*****

Question: What happens when you put six AF people inside a '76 Volkswagen Beetle?
Answer: see "HALA UY! Isang Gabi sa Buhay ng Anim na AF :p" at http://wanjeloo.multiply.com

sideways.

Currently loving this song my cousin Marie introduced me to. Sideways by Citizen Cope. Great guitars, nice lyrics :)
*****
It was fun to flex my artsy-fartsy muscles today, painting banners for the upcoming AF Week. Iba talaga ang magaling :p
*****
Will be watching LIGAW LIHAM at tomorrow's Cinemalaya showing (Bridget's boyfriend is the director). Sarah's afterwards to catch up with fellow alumni. Promise ko pa naman na hindi ako iinom, at least not until Saturday.
*****
Saturday. Hay. Magtino tayo :p
*****
August na pala. Darn, that was fast :x