oh, pooey...

Painful subjects are just that--painful to talk about. Nobody wants to talk about it, everyone tries to push it off as long as they can--but everyone has to deal with them eventually. It sucks, really, and it makes everyone sad, and mopey, but you just have to deal with it. Which sucks even more, in my opinion. *bleh*

ang weird ko talaga.

I guess I am normal after all. I certainly have my fair share of up days and down days, like any other human being. Ang babaw, all it took to erase my emotional clouds was a pair of brown plaid canvas slip-on sneakers on sale. And molten chocolate cake. (Of course, I won't forget how a tearful heart-to-heart with Ninang got me started. Salamat ulit.) And to think I almost joined the loonies over at Napa State :p

It certainly helps to just chill out for the moment and try to refocus your energies for a minute. To just--I don't know--breathe, I guess. Like what that U2 song says, to "get yourself together" because you're "stuck in a moment you can't get out of". It certainly did the job for me.

Sometimes you've got to learn to take yourself a little less seriously. To laugh at yourself. That's what I've been doing all day and I'm certainly feeling so much better as I write this.

Yun lang.

reality bites.

"Honey, the only thing you have to be at age 23 is yourself."
--Reality Bites, 1994

[Without intent of sounding like a stuck-up, self-absorbed ass] I can honestly say that I was always aware of people's perception of me as someone strong, independent, someone who can hold her own. Someone upbeat and outgoing, a people person. Someone happy. I have many friends, so I always thought that it told a lot about who I was. I have never been someone others referred to as shy, or quiet. Or sad and on the verge of depression, for that matter. Well, not until recently.

I was always the one who psychoanalyzed everybody else. I was always the one who had the answer to questions like, "Why is he like that?" or, "What the hell is wrong with her?" That's probably why it felt weird to be the one who's being psychoanalyzed. Weird, in a strangely refreshing way. I was never comfortable with self-scrutiny, no matter how comfortable I was doing it to someone else. But pain is gain, and my turn under the microscope was something I desperately needed to get back on track.

Yesterday, someone very dear to me told me, "I hate to say this, but it seems to me that you're becoming a very sad person." It hurt like hell to hear someone say that. And it hurt even more to admit that to myself, to finally come to terms about something I've known and yet have been denying all along. But it felt good for once to be blatantly told the truth, instead of sugar-coating it. Like I said, pain is gain. I mean, do we not learn to pick ourselves up after a bad stumble?

Reality does bite--and it bites hard.

It seems to me like this trip is becoming more than a customary break from the rigors of routine daily life. I am certainly learning a lot--about myself, most importantly. How I feel about certain things, what I think about people, what I truly, deeply want for myself. Which is good. More than I could ask for.

So now, while I may not be the strong, tough person others think, I'm taking slow but sure steps to hopefully becoming one. I have to. I want to.

And just in time, too. 23--the perfect age. Had I seen it when I was a little younger, I would've just brushed it off as "a phase". Should I discovered it when I'm way older, it may be too late. Now's just right. I mean, at 23, you can't be anything but yourself, right? You have to.

Thank God.

putangina.

Previously entitled snap, I decided to change the title to describe more suitably my current sentiment. Enjoy!



I need you. Today I realized how so unbelievable selfish those three words are.

My first reaction was that of worry. Why the urgency, the desperation? Then my worry turned into slight irritation, then into sentimental sadness, and now I'm just...angry. Angry and hurt. It's so ironically, sarcastically funny to me how three little words can be such a huge catalyst in me seeing things for what they truly are.

It's such a shameless, selfish idea to always, always put oneself above others and above everything--I'm literally shaking my head in utter anger and disbelief how some people can be just that self-centered. What's worse is how they sweet-talk you saying, "I'm only looking out for your best interest" or "I'm the only one who's here for you", and then something just snaps and you realize it's just plain bullshit. All those words were just investments for when it's time to collect damages. No investment comes without returns, you know.

It hurts to think that you give your all into something so much that you hardly ever think about yourself, what you truly want, what you truly need. Which is a stupid move, by the way. I have always been reminded that I had my own life to live, and that I shouldn't waste it away by being in a situation that does not allow me to grow and flourish as an individual. However, there are just some people who do not take delight in other people's happiness and that, I realize, is something I just have to deal with.

It frustrates me--this cycle of use and abuse. Will it never end? For me, at least? God, i'm just so sick and tired of it. Actually, if I really put my mind to it, it probably will end--hell, I can chose to end it now, if only there weren't so many factors to consider (See? I'm a pretty considerate person--I don't know why some people just can't afford me the same amount of consideration I give for others). I can end it now, but question is, will it start for someone else? A poor misguided soul to take my place? I cannot bear the thought of that happening. Not in this lifetime, no.

To think I've been dodging and shielding against all the speculations and criticisms and animosity. I've been protecting you godammit! Yet you can't spare me a single minute of my own time. Fuck you.

It embarrasses me to realize what a damn fool I've been all along about all of it. I hurt so many people, dear people I love so much. I lost valuable time, time which I can never ever turn back no matter how hard I try. I'm broken, so broken inside that sometimes I feel like I can never put the pieces back again. All thanks to you. And now I'm thinking, sure, I can whine and complain and cry my eyes out--but then that would leave you with the satisfaction of knowing that you got to me. So I won't. I will come back, and when you see me, you'll know something's up. Something will have changed by then, and you'll most definitely know it.

stuck.

BOSTON
Augustana

In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun...
Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed...
You said...

"You don't know me, you don't even care..."
She said,
"You don't know me, you don't wear my chains..."

Essential yet appealed
Carry all your thoughts across an open field
When flowers gaze at you...
They're not the only ones who cry when they see you
You said...

"You don't know me, you don't even care..."
She said,
"You don't know me, you don't wear my chains..."

She said,
"I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life...
I think I'll start it over where no one knows my name...
I'll get out of California...
I'm tired of the weather...
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston...
I think that I'm just tired...
I think I need a new town to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise...
I'm tired of the sunset...
I hear it's nice in the Summer...
Some snow would be nice...
Boston...
...Where no one knows my name."

bittersweet.

...that's what it is. i never thought it would be, but it is.

random thoughts.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just way in over my head about a lot of things. The thing is, I don't feel it until I'm so deep into it I can't just get out. Like wading in choppy waters then all of a sudden realizing...I can't swim to save my life.

I remember a conversation I had with a friend a few months ago, about sudden realizations in the most unexpected places, and emotions you just can't--for the love of God--keep in check. All of a sudden something inside just bursts open, like a dam seeping, leaking, trickle by trickle--until it can't contain itself any further and out comes the raging flood swallowing everything in its path. I've heard somewhere--some movie perhaps--that people cry because their emotions tend to be so great and their bodies just break down, give in. That's exactly how it felt.

It was unfair. It still is unfair and yet, no one and nothing are to blame because life really isn't fair at all. We learn that irrepressible consciousness at such a young age--that you can't have all the toys you want, that Mommy and Daddy can't be with you all the time, that you have to give someone else their turn on the swings. It didn't seem fair then, and you think that things will change as soon as you grow up. But truth is, you're just rearing yourself for sacrifices much, much greater than just giving up your turn to play. It's all just a vicious (albeit normal) cycle--one that goes dizzyingly round and round, with you at the center.

Sometimes truth comes in the most inopportune times, and from the mouths of the most unexpected. But truth is truth, no matter how it pains you and no matter how you wish to change it--it remains fact.

Note to self: Truth is, it didn't really matter. It was not a big a deal as you thought it was, and maybe, just maybe, you just enjoyed feeling that important. Three is company, and five? Five is just plain crazy.

[bitter]sweet nothings

sitting at home. eating panna cotta. listening to annie lennox. just watching blankly as my 4-year-old sister took two swigs of my strawberry beer. it's a funny sight.

some of them want to use you...some of them want to get used by you...some of them want to abuse you...some of them want to be abused...

there's something unsettling yet funny about bawling one's eyes out, wearing a surgical hat, inside a surgical instruments room. a very nice man is telling jokes nearby. he has an uncanny resemblance with Erap.

make a wish...take a chance...make a change...and breakaway...

i can only say that a lot of crazy things has happened throughout the past week. i'm in no mood to discuss in detail, however. God.

i would like to thank you...for showing me...a part of myself that i have never seen...

i sucks to miss out on a lot of things, and in many ways. it sucks even more to not be able to do anything about it.

hate me today...hate me tomorrow...hate me in ways...ways hard to swallow....

there's definitely going to be a tattoo when i come home. thanks, miami ink :p

easy.

Yesterday, I asked for (and received, thankfully) much needed advice in what seemed to be the longest time. I felt like I was in the crossroads in terms of what I wanted to do, which was (as one can see from my previous post) maybe too much for one person to handle. The advice?

Take your time.

Funny, I kind of knew that that's what I needed to do. Still, I had to hear it from someone whose opinions mattered to me (and someone who's never a stranger to lost souls asking for a little bit of guidance--Thanks, Papa O).

I was told that I cannot expect to see the path my life should take that clearly and that easily at this point in my life. I need to be patient and trusting with the idea that in due time, that path will be made clearer for me because it always does.

In a sense, it kind of lifted something off my shoulders. In just one day, I went from deeply unsure and depressed to somewhat peaceful and on track with my thoughts and emotions. I now feel like I have a better grasp of things now and things as they're going to be once I actually decide and make my move. And frankly, they don't look half as bad.

And my neverending dilemma of feeling like I'm being pulled a million different directions? I kind of try not to look at it (without meaning to sound like a arrogant a**hole) like I'm someone everyone wants a piece of , and instead look at it with gratitude and humility that I am most welcome in whatever crowd and situation I choose to apply myself to.

I really does help when you look at something in a positive light.

help.

I called to update the status of our Green Cards today. It should arrive in the mail soon enough. I should be happy. Yet there's this feeling of uneasiness in me. I don't understand. I know I should be happy. In a way, I am. But in a way, I'm also not so sold on it.

I can finally go home. I should be happy. There's been too much moping around here and it's getting old. I have my job (hopefully, still) waiting for me, my grandpa, my friends. I finally get to go back to my world.

Somehow, I feel so...unsure, I guess. Like that song (haha. it's so hard to make myself laugh at this time). Like part of me just wants to stay here and do something for and by myself. Like grow up, for instance.

I don't want to leave my mom behind. I wanna spend Thanksgiving with her and family in Cincinnati.

Damn it's so hard. I don't like this feeling. I reallly, absolutely don't. It's like my brain is beng pulled too many different directions at a time.

If it wasn't for the job back home I'd still stay. Then again it's not really the actual job but the issues that come with it. Like responsibility, hiya. I suppose I could quit if I wanted to stay longer, but I'd be feeling like an utter ingrate for doing so. Right now, it's the only thing that's (quite frankly) messing me up. I know for sure my friends won't mind. Not even Daddy. Then again, I wouldn't really care if they did.

If I chose not to stay a while, I'm pretty sure I'd be feeling miserable about leaving my mom behind, about not being able to see my sister turn five, about not being close enough to the people I care about the most. Yun lang... napaka-simple. But being like that all my life doesn't mean that I've gotten used to it, you know. I don't want to do this all my life, jetting in and out of places just to be with everybody. It's too tiring, too depressing and it never really makes everyone completely happy.

I wish I could be like my friend Jen, who's been here two years and hasn't looked back because she doesn't feel the need to. Or like Jay, who's so independent at such a young age it's ok with him not to be with his family most of the time. Or my cousin Marie, who is able to stand up and be herself amidst friends of a different culture.

But I'm not. And no matter how hard I try to be at this point that I should be, I just can't.

I'm thinking the sooner I do it, the easier it's gonna be for everybody. Go home, back to work, back to my friends, back to Daddy. Get my act together, take care of everything that needs to be taken care of until next year...then finally say my goodbyes. For real.

If only it was so easy to actually do it.

God, I'm such a mess. I don't know what to do anymore.

just my two cents...

i think it's possible to not like someone very much and still maintain a good (albeit distant) relationsip with that person.
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i think i know why *ahem*'s been acting quiet and guarded the past week. i now know what it's like.
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i don't think i'd still be in this if not for someone i really care about. both time and patience are running short.