holy crap.

Hindi ko man lang namalayan. 12:42 AM na at 24 years old na ako (well, actually not for another 15 hours, kasi 3:45 PM ako pinanganak eh). Friggin' A.

I guess that just goes to show how excited I am about turning a year older--I am being sarcastic. Heck, I don't even feel a year older. Much less do I feel like I'm a year wiser.

Oh, well. Happy birthday, Anj. Sana masaya 'tong taon na 'to.

ayoko maging O.M. (nyiii....)

Kamusta naman at nagreklamo daw ang mga kahati namin sa office (at mga skwating on the side) na masyado daw kaming maingay pag nagmi-meeting.

Kasalanan ba namin na mas masaya kami kesa sa kanila? Hmph.

Buti na lang astig ang mga boss kong lolo at sinisi na lang lahat sa pagka-O.M. (read:matandang dalaga) ng aming room mates. Hehe.

Ang masasabi ko lang, kung ayaw nyo maging happy...pwes, ibahin niyo kami! :p

pet peeve #2

pet peeve #2: mga taong assuming.
bakit kasi may mga ganon? argh.

Over na ko sa issue na dapat wala naman. i realized na hindi ko na problema kung bakit may mga taong makikitid talaga ang utak (sabi ni foomy, "Correction: Walang utak."). Problema na nila 'yon.

pet peeve # 1

MGA TAONG MAKIKITID ANG UTAK.
pakyu kayong lahat.

Pet peeve ni Foom: Mga taong WALANG UTAK.

i love pain...hehehe

I sprained my wrist. Or at least I think so. It hurts, which sucks since I have about a million things to do today that involves the use of both hands. Argh. But I can't complain, since I watched an episode of Oprah earlier today about this woman who's been carrying around a 200-lb. tumor in her body almost all her life. That sucks. Add to that, I just found out that Sir Nick's dad passed away after a long (and I bet, painful) bout with colon cancer. I can't really complain now, can I? That would just be so..self-centered of me. And I don't want to be like...that. *ehem, ehem*

interesting...

Needless to say, last night was, well...interesting. yun lang.

LEX: sayang wala ka sa Induction. Mwahaha... *rubbing hands together*

oo nga pala...

I had dinner with girlfriends last Saturday after a long time. Ang weird, I think the last time I saw some of them was like 6 months to a year ago. Tama ba yun?!

It was nice to catch up on old times. And with new happenings in everybody's lives, of course. Everybody seemed happy, doing new stuff like taking up Spanish lessons and MBA classes. Parang wala naman masyadong nagbago, though you get this sense of "Oh, my...we've grown." Nevertheless, there were still crazy times (syempre andun si Chuk and Leah eh), and surprising--at times, nakaka-harass--comments (thank you, Mariel). Ganun talaga ang barkada namin eh, despite heartaches and misery, nakukuha pa ring tumawa. At lalong-lalo na maging maganda (Diba, Arlene?). Hahaha.

What's that saying about "the best of times and the worst of times"? Well, that Saturday was definitely one of the good ones :)

masaya ang araw na ito (thank you, lord!)

Kwento ko lang. Akala ko kasi isa na naman itong badtrip na araw dahil sa mga nangyari kahapon. I was sooo wrong. Buti na lang :)

Daddy's feeling better and the wire transfer was cleared. I was able to finish the 2 syllabi I was working on (as in!). Binigyan ako ni Pat ng flower (aww, ang sweet!) at na-experience ko na naman ang kakulitan ni Jiddu :p

Tea party na tea party na ako!!!!

unyielding and guilt-free.

When asked what my biggest weakness was, I said that it was the fact that I worried about other people's problems more than I did mine. "How do you overcome it?", he said, and I told him, "I should probably stop making other people's problems my own."

Now that's exactly what I plan to do. Be unyielding and guilt-free. I'm through being the wishy-washy doormat, the ventriloquist dummy (emphasis on the dummy part) who does nothing but smile and nod at her master's every beck and call. There's no sense continuing that kind of life anyway, since everything I do to make things alright just seems to blow up in my face every single time. Ayoko na talaga.

I will never ever again yield to tears, nor be swayed by guilt-inducing words aimed at my conscience. I will do my best to help, but only where help is truly needed. Feeling ko kasi pinaglalaruan lang ako, and I'm sick of it. Kasi I'm so much better than that, and God knows I don't deserve it. I'm through.

I surprised myself today when I said what I truly wanted to say without fear or guilt or worrying about what other people would think. And then I walked away. That's when it really struck me--kaya ko palang gawin yon, especially when I know I'm right.

That small motion of just turning my back and walking away was one of the most liberating things I have ever done in my entire life. For once I wasn't the one who was stranded in time, defeated and in tears while everyone buzzed about in their busy lives. I knew my way was right, I fought for it, and I won.

on another cold, gloomy, rainy day...

Met up with Jay and Foom yesterday after work for a little coffee and yosi date. It was nice to catch up with them yet again. Personally, I think they were kind of lugi with me as I was such a crappy coffee date last night. Wala lang. As much as I appreciate Jay's concern about me being super down these days, and Foomy's attempts to make me laugh with his sablay band stories(even though he was kind of in a bind himself), I just couldn't let myself to just let it all out and tell them everything that's been going on in my mind for quite sometime now. Wala lang. I know I'm just gonna end up more tired and frustrated telling them about it than if I just kept it to myself, so wag na lang.

But I enjoyed that time with the guys. Just hanging around, with coffee and yosi, waiting for the rain to pass. It sounds weird, but it was nice to hear stories about their families, nice to know that they have issues din pala. I mean, it's not nice that they have their troubles too--it's more like the sense of normalcy that comes with knowing that you're not alone, there are others who are going through the same shit.

I got home early, which is uncharacteristically like me. I don't know, I feel weird these days. I find myself having such a short fuse when it comes to issues (even the smallest, most trivial ones) regarding home. I guess I haven't completely settled back in since I came back. That, or I just experienced something so different and well, ideal (for me at least) during my stay in the States, that home here is not quite what it was for me. It's sad, I know, but it's true. At least that's what I think is wrong with me. Or part of it.

On a lighter note (well, not that much lighter), Anna came up to me last night and said that she feels it's the right time for her to finally confront her so-called best friend about certain issues that's been bothering her all this time. I say, damn right it's about time! That girl has been nothing but a nightmare of a friend for so long now, it's about time Anna stands up to her and gives her a piece of her mind. While I'm not exactly ecstatic at the idea of her talking to her a**hole ex again (his name came up in the conversation), I'm glad she's coming to terms with her so-called friendship that's been nothing but emotional torture for so long now. At least one of us is working it out--that's enough for now.

on another note.

Hindi mo pwedeng sabihin yun kasi hindi mo alam. You weren't there. Plain and simple.

And I don't appreciate unsolicited I-told-you-so's when it's sympathy--not to mention a little bit of gratitude--that I'm looking for.

my much needed break.

Had dinner and coffee with Leni, Foom and Lexi (fresh from Bora, hehe) last Thursday. It was a total Girls' Night Out--haha. It was nice to catch up with old friends after what seemed like forever (which is actually a little more like 3 1/2 months). I really, really missed times like that, especially when I was in the States and I had no one to do stuff like that with. And it was my first real night out since coming back (which is more than I could say about my sister, who's out like three times a week, drinking and partying with her friends, ugh).

It was a little bit of the nice little break that I felt I needed, after the past couple of weeks that were just sooooo stressful for me in terms of everything. I still haven't quite gotten over my mopey, depressed phase--there's still a lot of things in my mind which, for the life of me, I just can't seem to stop thinking and worrying about. Soon, I hope.

I guess it hasn't been completely the same since I came back. Well, some things are, but some aren't. Siguro I'm just keeping in check all my realizations when I was there and just seeing things differently because of that. Does it make sense? Maybe not. Basta, it's hard to explain. Alam ko na yun.

on gratitude.

I think I've found the cure for times when you just feel so down and out. It's called GRATITUDE.

Nothing really beats the feeling of hearing someone say, "Thank you.", especially at a time when you're down and out, when nothing seems to ever go right. Works for me.

It's not that you're really expecting to be thanked, for your work to be appreciated. It's really not about that. 90% of the time, you just want to get the job over and done with, so you can move on to greater obstacles. So it's really special when you get something as simple as a thank you just for doing your job. It's as if all the stress and frustration you're feeling all of a sudden just melted away to reveal newfound confidence and belief in yourself.

I think if everyone just said "Thank you.", even for the smallest favor such as picking up something someone dropped, it would make all the difference in someone's day. It's not so much as the manners and etiquette, but the gratitude--even in the smallest form--that genuinely comes from within.

Much as I like being thanked for things I do, I don't necessarily do things for the purpose of being thanked afterwards. For me it's just like a bonus point--that cherry on top of a sundae. It's not always there, but it sure feels great as hell when it is :)

things are looking up.

I was in such a slump last night. It was pouring outside and I was so tired from all the stressful happenings of the day, I just literally sat down in a corner and stared into nothingness--I think I gave new meaning to the word idle.

I just felt so...blah, for lack of a better word. I hated that feeling.

However, I think life does not allow you to wallow in misery without the tiniest bit of a lifeline. I had not one, but a couple, last night. Somehow, even in my slump-iest of slumps, I managed to grab hold and pull. Thank God.

Thank God for her, who manages to find humor in even the most miserable situations. Thank God for him who, even amidst his busy life and countless personal issues, wholeheartedly gave me the time and attention I did not ask for, but desperately needed.

Another day done. Whew.

KAYA KO 'TO : Isang Pangmulat-mata sa mga Reklamador na Tulad Ko :p

I've decided to stop being paranoid about things. Huge deal, for a worrywart like me in a time like this. And just like that too--I woke up today and told myself, "Anj, tama na."

I guess it was my subconscious' way of reminding me that nothing good ever happens to those who continuously worry and whine about things without doing anything about them. Or those who endlessly tell themselves, "Lagi na lang ako." or "Kawawa naman ako.", who consider themselves as "always the victim and never the culprit" of their own destinies.

Yayyy. Ayoko maging tulad nila.

Bilog ang mundo. And I guess I just opened myself to the fact that this time, it's my turn to be at the bottom. Tama lang naman eh--alangan namang lagi ka na lang sa itaas. Boring din naman yung palagi ka na lang andun.

But it doesn't mean I'm just going to resign myself to this kind of break. Naniniwala pa rin naman ako na soon, I'll be back on top, and in fighting form no less. Ganun ako eh.

"Tama na. Sobra na. Ayoko na. Why me?"--that's what I used to say to myself everytime something like this happens. Now I realize that nothing positive ever came out of it, and nothing ever will. Tama nga ang kaibigan kong si Leni (isa sa mga pinaka-matalinong tao na nakilala ko): KUNG WALA KANG GINAGAWA, WALA KANG KARAPATAN MAG-REKLAMO. Amen.

Kaya ko 'to. Ako pa? :)

in fairness.

pinapa-saya talaga ni sir danny ang araw ko. thanks for the pasalubong. :)

please give me a break. and cut me some slack while you're at it.

Self-explanatory naman diba?

You cannot imagine the immense frustration I am feeling right now. It's just not possible.

Isang araw lang, please. ISA.