trying to be fancy: January 2006

Don't Worry Baby

"What nourishes me also destroys me."--Angelina Jolie

I must admit, a day in my life doesn't go by without something--even in its most minute form--working me up and stressing me out. By nature, I think about things too much, worry about things too much, stress out about things too much. It's what I live for. And now all of it's killing me. I hate it.

That's how I cope with things--by worrying about them. I worry about big things, small things, trivial things, important things, everything! And even when it doesn't show, the worry gears in my brain start spinning out of control. It's an internal battle. Even if outside it's all cool, all good and laid-back. At the rate that I'm worrying, I'm amazed I haven't suffered hypertension or a heart attack at my age.

I guess it all started when I was really young, having left with the responsibility of looking after my younger sister and my aging grandparents after my folks split up, my dad just kinda disappeared and my mom had to go to the US. It's not really a regret that I got all of this handed to me so early--it built my character, made me independent. Unfortunately, there's always a yang for every yin. In this case, the ugly, evil twin was my being a worrier. So now I'm a strong, independent, responsible worrywart. Weird.

I know I really should follow my mom's advice to stop worrying too much, you know, relax, take a chill pill. But can't seem to, though. It's just not my style.

But I will try my hardest. I'm looking forward to this vacation to sort of ease this personal burden. Mama says I'm welcome to bum around for as long as I want. Honestly, hindi ko yata kaya. Pustahan tayo, I'm gonna look for a job as soon as I get there just because I'm so scared of not having my own money to spend. Hay, leche. See what I mean?

Oh well. OK. To get me out of this worrying rut, even just for a while, ang makakahula kung ilang beses lumabas ang salitang worry (including compounds, etc) sa post na ito wins a free Starbucks drink from me. Sige, bilis, hula!

Gusto kong pumunta sa Spain

I wanna get my freakin US embassy interview over and done with. Gusto ko na kasi pumunta ng States. Naiisip ko lang bigla after lamenting over whether I'm psyched or scared about the news. Gusto ko na pumunta--it is a chance for a vacation, after all. And I have the choice to stay or go back, and for how long. Na-OA lang ako yesterday. Had the camel flu (kasalanan mo 'to, Jas!).

A couple of friends took the Arki board exams the previous weekend. Ngayon praning na silang malupet. Kaya yan! And if, unfortunately, hindi...there's always a next time. And another one. And another one....

In search of a real paying job (not that my current one isn't a real job---it's just not paying very much, haha), I went to the UP Job Fair today to check it out. I must say, I'm better off jobhunting on my own. The trend these days seems to be inclined towards call centers and banks. The only companies I submitted my resumes for were real estate and development ones.

Hay. If only I could study for life and get paid in the process. But, like a certain someone told my sister, "In your dreams...."

not so blue anymore...

Mixed-up

I got a letter from the US Embassy today. I'm scheduled for an interview for my visa application a couple of weeks from now. I know, it's just a letter, and it's just an interview. There's no telling really what can happen. I may pass, I may be denied. I just can't help but feel a little mixed up.

God knows how much I want this. I've been wanting it for over half my life, since I was 8 and my mom had to go to the US to work. I was so miserable on my 9 birthday, despite the huge party, despite the many gifts, despite everyone--including my dad--wishing me a happy birthday. That year I vowed to work and pray my butt off so that one day, I could finally get a taste of "the american dream" and that Mama and I don't have to spend birthdays and Christmases and New Years apart. But now that it's just an arm's length away, I don't quite know what to feel.

As part of me wants this so damn much, part of me can't help but feel sad that I'm thisclose. Honestly, I worry about my grandpa--how he's so bull-headed about not wanting to go back with us. I just can't see myself leaving him all alone, specially now that he's old and sick and all that. I worry about leaving all my friends behind--worried that I may not come back to the same people after some time, or if there will be people to come back to.

It sucks being at the crossroads. It sucks even though I know I should be thankful for it, knowing that lots of Pinoys would kill for a chance at a better life. It kinda makes me feel guilty for feeling this way. Ironic. But I'm just a person, and I can't really help it if my heart's feeling what it's feeling right now. I'm just so torn between being happy and being a little bit sad, between my worries and my relief.

But a girl's gotta do what a girl has to do. Even if she doesn't exactly know what it is.

"Summertime...and the living is easy."

January's barely over but the weather's starting to feel like summer already. To quote Rufi, "Hindi ko pa nga nararamdaman ang lamig, mainit na naman." Oh well...at least there's the beach to look forward to!

I've been a good girl these past 19 days of the new year. Been doing all my chores, living up to my resolutions, not going out too much (which gets me wondering how long this is going to last, haha).

Aced my Spanish quiz the other day--yeah, baby. Not to brag, but it's actually a lot easier than I thought it would be. I mean, I had my reservations at first--after all, it's not so easy getting the hang of a new language. My mom was right, medyo madali nga lang siya. Sounds a lot like tagalog, too. Maybe that's why. I'm proud to say I can now hold a short conversation in Spanish. A very short, very slooow conversation, but a Spanish conversation nonetheless.

Enough about that. Ayoko maging self-centered, haha.

I feel kinda bad. A couple of freinds' birthdays passed and I wasn't able to get them gifts. Mahirap maging dukha! A couple of other friends' birthdays are coming up too. Hay, where's the money genie when you need him, huh?

Oh well. Got a Spanish exam to study for, so I gotta go hit the books.

Adios!

the 7 deadly sins minus 2 (hi seppy, arlene!)

coffee (duh) with the girls @ shang

christmas eve

me and the girls @ greenbelt

love that pout!

HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE!

Shet. 2006 na.

The exact words that came out of my mouth whilst counting down 5,4,3,2,1... on New Year's Eve.

Can't believe it. 2005's really over. Just when the fun was just starting.

Bye, 2005. I can only hope 2006 to be the same, if not surpass the great year that was 2005. I had many great moments, most of them spent with people I love and cared for with all my heart. I had the chance to reconnect with people I've sort of lost touch with, gained many new friends I now treasure a great deal, got rid not just of anger and hurt, but also of so-called "friends" I didn't need grief from. I achieved what I've been pouring blood, sweat and tears for for the past 7 years. I got involved in things that gave me a newfound sense of responsibility and self-discipline.

AND I HAD SO MUCH FUN DOING ALL OF IT!!!

As the New Year's Eve clock ticked to midnight, I mumbled, "Thank you, 2005." and said a prayer for 2006.

I hope it gets answered.

Oh yeah, I posted some pics from my Christmas vacation. Well, I was starting to, but the Hello sort of conked out on me. So, later na lang the other pictures.