1...again

First post...from California! Got here at around 11 AM (2AM, Thursday in Manila). Jetlag's just setting in (I guess I'm gonna be online for...well, quite a while).

My brain's still kinda fried from my 17-hour flight, so I guess I'll just catch up with you guys tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the next...

Peace, you guys :)

la la la la...

Still here...

It's 9pm and I'm just waiting for time to pass.

Passed by the office today to do some stuff before leaving.

Sayang I wasn't able to catch Leni there. I would have liked to see her before I go.

Foomy's getting emotional. What's this? Girl trouble? Girl trouble again? :p Don't worry, I'll be back before you know it, and then you're free to bombard me with all your girl-sh*t again, haha.
Cheer up--you're getting my 2 months salary, y'know!

Jay called to wish me and Anna a safe trip. Awww. He said two months is too long, and I'm like, "Might as well, right?". I'm gonna miss that guy. Well...have fun on your first day at "The Ateneo" (with the cono accent, of course) hahaha.

I'm super psyched over this trip, but it's kinda sad we won't be here with Grand-Pappy on Father's Day and his birthday. We'll just make it up to you, Daddy...

Meanwhile, I am going (to try, at least) to catch some ZZZs before I get ready. Next time I post it'll be from Wine Country :)

Wish me a safe trip, everybody!

Ta-ta...




P.S. James Lafferty is soooo fine :p

1...

May tomorrow be a perfect day...
May you find love and laughter along the way...

Leaving early morning tomorrow. I'm soooo psyched!

To my family in Napa and Cincy: SEE YOU SOON!!!

To the 7 deadly sins, my AF(da best!) and HTC peeps and Super Friends (you know who you are!): SEE YOU IN TWO MONTHS!!!

Mwah!!! :p

2...

2 days to go...

Bought Chris Botti's To Love Again album today. Man, is this guy talented or what?!

Especially love the duet with Sting, Michel Legrand's WHAT ARE YOU DOING THE REST OF YOUR LIFE? Wow.

And I was surprised to hear Aerosmith's Steven Tyler singing the standards. He did SMILE (written, surprisingly, by Charlie Chaplin).

3...

Poor Kimi. Just when he was so poised to take the Monaco leg.

Oh well...

You're still A-OK for me, Iceman. Better luck in the British leg.

4...

Belated Happy Birthday, Ninang Beautiful!!!


4 days to go. I'm not particularly feeling the need to do something except laze around and pack for my remaining 4 days in Manila. So bear with me if you find this post incoherent and sluggish (like its owner).

Got promoted yesterday at work. Well, kind of. Lex is leaving for this year-long gig in Bora (wow!)and I'm taking both his places as Laboratory Research Associate (that's what they decided to call it) for HTC and Project Coordinator for the UAP-NCCA project. Sudie's taking my place as Team Leader (nice one, considering it was his first day at work yesterday, haha).

Also watched X-Men: The Final Stand with Leni yesterday. I must say, best installment of the 3. Complaint: Too little Cyclops exposure. Oh, when you see it on the cinema, don't leave just yet. Wait for the credits to roll out. There's...something.

Made tambay at Sarah's for the first time in a long time. Then headed to Seattle's Best to make chit-chat some more, over chai latte and Lexi's cake libre (thanks, Lexi!). It felt nice for things to be as open as they were last night. It's a start...

Anna's in Batangas today. Yesterday was her last day at work and the company gave her a despedida.

Still have to go to work on Tuesday, the day before I leave. Jeesh...


Wanna watch the Idols tour, which is right when I'll be in the States. Too bad tickets have a fixed selling date. Too late. Bummer. I wanted to see Elliott and Taylor! Hmph.

6...

Went to the Healing Center with my grandpa and sis yesterday.
Realization #1: I am so not meant for ritualistic professions of faith. Amen.

Rode a tricycle home from the mall yesterday.
Realization #2: I am going to miss those noisy darn trikes when I leave.

Saw my sister writing love letters to her boyfriend.
Realization #3: I'm not going to get used to this gooey-mushy phase of hers anytime soon. *hurls*

Thought back to a conversation I had with my high school pals a few weeks ago.
Realization #4: She (no names, now) definitely has issues. And she's taking them out on me.

Watched the American Idol Finale last night.
Realization #5: It doesn't matter how exemplary your performances were throughout the season. It all boils down to how you handle the cheesy this-is-the-moment song that the producers thunk your head over with.

Watched the American Idol Results show today.
Realization #6: Clay Aiken is soooo gay.

8...

Olats, San Antonio....hay...


APPREHENSION (ap-pre-hen-sion) noun: Fearful or uneasy anticipation of the future; dread

ANXIOUS (anx-ious) adjective: uneasy and apprehensive about an uncertain event or matter; worried
attended with, showing, or causing anxiety
eagerly or earnestly desirous


Can you be earnestly desirous and uneasily anticipating at the same time? One wonders.

9...

"Baby, I'm ready to go...."





Ambitions do not stop once one does indeed grow up. The age-old question "What do you want to be when you grow up?" may seem so passe once one has reached the age when one is actually in the process of fulfilling that ambition, but the idea of ambition behind it never ceases to exist, moreover, flourish into something different. Perhaps greater.

Every single time I was asked that question years ago (yes, it does seem like eons ago), I would answer "A Doctor." or "An Architect." Ask me the same question now and I would probably give you "Top Chef" or "Travel Journalist", instead of the answer I've been telling people (including myself) for a little over 20 years now. Of course, as of the moment, these are but fantastic dreams (probably brought about the monotony I've been feeling for a few weeks now), but come to think of it, the prospect of being an Architect also started out as a 7 year old's grown-up fantasy.

Who knows, right?

11...

Things that make me go, "GRRRRR..."

1. Slo-o-o-o-w people
2. Noisy laughter at coffee shops
3. People who don't think before they speak
4. People who get paid just to sit and laze around all day
5. Stupid questions
6. Stupid question-askers
7. People refuse to budge and stupidly stare instead when there's lots to be done
8. Nosy people who take it upon themselves to broadcast private info to other nosy people
9. Boyfriends/girlfriends who are lugi when it comes to their partners.


Not saying I haven't been one or the other sometime in my life (except for the lugi girlfriend part, hah!). At least I try not to be.

Sorry, incoherence is taking control of my boredom-fried brain.

12...

Days 13 & 14 ran on adrenaline, Amazing Race-pace...
Damn, I'm tired...

Day 12, cloudy Friday afternoon. It's a relief to be lazing in front of the PC screen, blogging again, after 2 1/2 days of running around like a headless chicken (hi, ekang), back and forth, to do lots of stuff before I leave. Everything's pretty much in order now-- except for a couple of pa-bilins from my mom and Ninang, which I still have to get. Nevertheless, I'm pretty much good to go.

Watched Da Vinci yesterday with my sis and her friend from work. It actually wasn't so bad, after all (remember my skepticism about Tom Hanks as Langdon?). I must admit, I really never had high expectations of big-screen adaptations of books which to say the least hit the Bestseller jackpot, and I must say I had my reservations about making a super hyped-up flick about a book with such enormous amounts of detail and historical tidbits. I was so sure it would fall flat on it's fata** 150 Million dollar-face. And while reports say it did when it premiered in Cannes, it really wasn't so bad. I'm happy my 140 bucks didn't go to waste.

Elliott's out of Idol. I guess it really wasn't meant to be for him--even though he's got talent 10x bigger than himself. My sister says it's charisma he lacks. Poor guy. Oh well, at least he's kinda up there in the ranks now, and opportunity is practically banging on his door. I hope to see more of the guy outside Idol.

I miss my friends. It's been almost a couple of weeks since I last saw them. And I only have less than a couple of weeks to see them before I leave. Guys? Yoo-hoo...

15...

Kamusta naman, San Antonio?! Anubeh...
(In fairness, ang galing ni Devin Harris ng Mavs.)


My sister told me something that happened to this PBA player a few days ago. I think his name's Eugene Tejada (or something?). It was scary--he fell on his back and cracked something (I don't really know all the details) and then he couldn't get up 'cos he wasn't feeling anything from his waist down. Man, that just freaked me out *shudder*. It just goes to show that while playing sports is good for the health, without necessary precaution (or in case of an accident), it has double the potential of being dangerous. I mean, how many times have we heard stories of broken bones and torn ACLs (from JB Biton, a time too many :p) among other sport-related injuries. I kind of understand how some people (ahem, Anna) are satisfied with just being spectators from afar, as opposed to actually being on the court, the field or wherever. Personally, while I'm happy watching others play, I do get the urge to sweat it out from time to time. A chance to learn a new sport is a great thing for me (and probably the reason why I can't really identify myself as a pro of sorts in just one sport--hey, that rhymes, hehe). While I may not be the best player in every sport I play, I am a player. Honestly, that's good enough for me.

16...

The sun is up....and I've got so many things to do..
It's all right, it's okay...
-Bamboo, New Day
Waking up to a sunshiny morning gives me the feeling that everything's back on track. I'm instantly aware of the things I have to do, and there's a lot, considering I've only a couple more weeks before I leave. Also, the angsty-ranty feeling I've had last night kind of just...floated away. Nice.

Perhaps something that triggered this newfound happy-mellow feeling is the realization that there remain really nice, wonderful people in the world. It's nice to know that not everyone is out to get you--or on your nerves, at least.

17...

Tantanan n'yo ko...please...


Unlike most people, I look up to several figures as some sort of a mother. Of course, there's my Mama (my mom). And then there's Ninang (my mom's sister), who has been nothing short of a mother to me ever since I could remember. Then there's Mommy (my maternal grandmother). And when Mommy died, even Daddy (my maternal grandfather whom we like to refer to as Grand-Pappy) became a lot like a mother to me.

As you can see, my life has always been feminine-dominated (with the exception of Daddy, of course, and a few...actually, one uncle). And this is the precise reason why I find a little difficulty dealing with male authority. Although my lolo was the ultimate patriarch, there were always a number of females to outnumber (sometimes, override) him at a number of given instances. And this is the perfect example of how, um... FEMALES ROCK!!!

However, seeing that it's Mother's Day, heck, it's all the same to me:

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, Y'ALL!!!!!

***

You'd think that I--a person who's so used to pressuring herself to get things over and done with--would take to external pressure lightly. On the contrary, I kinda got...pissed. I didn't mean to, but I guess comments like that triggered my insecurities and doubts about that particular matter. I just don't like it when people get pushy (even though it's for my own good). It's bad enough that I have me to push myself around. I don't need another person's unsolicited advice to add insult to injury.

Nakakainis lang kasi eh. I mean, the heck do you know how hard it is to be in my position?! You didn't even ask how I felt about it. You just plain assumed. And if there's one thing I hate, it's people who assume.

Now, if you really want to know how I truly feel about it, then fine: I don't f***ing know how I feel, nor do I know what I want. What I know is that I'm willing to give it a shot, at my own pace, when I'm ready. But if I do fail on the first try, it doesn't mean I'm any less intelligent. I will decide what to do next if and when the time comes.

You can't vicariously live your life through me. Deal with it.

Just please stop pressuring me, because quite frankly, it's not funny.

***

OK, that's enough angsty ranting for today. On a lighter note, my trip is only 17 days away. That's just about two weeks + a few days to go. My mom tells me it's the perfect time to go to Napa and San Francisco--it's summer, and there's all these fairs and shows and concerts to go to. Not to mention the 4th of July (for which I already have plans about what to cook, yum!). I won't even be ashamed to go gung-ho as a tourist (which I technically am not)--I'm just going to take it all in, and no one's stopping me. :D

After about a month with my Mom, I'm staying in Cincinnati, Ohio with my Ninang and her family. I'm sooo looking forward to that too, especially to the New York trip she promised me (Ahh, my dream city, I'm finally going to see you...). We might also go to Chicago and Boston (I'm crossing my fingers!)...I'm super psyched!

And then it's back to Napa for the remaining 3 weeks (...or so. I can be flexible, hehe) of my vacation. Just enough time to bond with my Mama, who I'm missing so much this Mother's Day.

I'm having trouble sleeping already. I'm just bouncing off the walls in excitement! :p

18...

It's still raining...and all this rain's making me senti...


A lot of times I ask myself if I am just too darn optimistic for my own good. Always trying to look at the bright side, see the good in everything although I am painfully aware that such optimism and hope do not fare so well in such a messed up world like ours. Somehow, I just cannot bring myself to be skeptical and wary of everything that comes my way, despite the many times I've been hurt, disappointed and failed. I look at people who instinctively throw caution to the wind and I feel both sorry and envious of them: Sorry, for those who dare not put their faith in things known and unknown, yet I envy their capability towards indifference and apathy.

I just cannot help but trust, even though past occurences advise otherwise. I guess I trust, partly because I hope for change and patiently wait for the day when failure and disappointment are no more, and partly because I know no other way.

19...

There's something unsettling sbout waking up super early to a rainstorm on a summer morning. It's just against the laws of Nature for such an ungodly amount of rain to pour in the midst of summer heat. It's as if you know that things aren't going to be quite as you would like.

I Martha Stewart-ed my way out of today. I've been cooking, cleaning, sewing clothes and whatnot since after breakfast. Personally, I think boredom is both getting the best of me and bringing out the best in me as well.

I was looking forward to a meeting tomorrow morning, which was weird (I mean, since when do I get excited over 9 am Saturday meetings for work?). At least it would give me something to do, right? Too bad I just got word from my boss that it was postponed because of this Typhoon Caloy that's pretty much doing nothing to help me get out of this boredom rut.

I know, I know-- I should just quit complaining and be thankful to have an abundance in spare time, but seriously, this is all just inducing in me a feeling of contradiction: How come that when I'm asking just for a little break, the work comes pouring in buckets, and when I have so much time to spare, there is absolutely nothing to do?

Again, I will probably regret saying this the minute I come back from my vacation and all the work is tambak on my desk. But till then, God give me something to do!!!!!

20...

I didn't have to be at work today (as usual) so this day was pretty much full of ho-hums and whatnot...again.


American Idol never fails to surprise time and time around. I can't believe Chris Daughtry is gone. He's had really great performances the past few weeks unlike, say Katharine McPhee, whose recent performances have steadily been declining and have been banking on just plain pa-cute. She was the one who was supposed to get the boot tonight, and yet it's Chris who's going home. Heck, I don't even like teh guy that much but I just can't believe what a farce this eliminations episode was.

Elliott and Taylor: KICK A**!!!!


Another thing that's been grating at my nerves is that The Da Vinci Code movie has yet to be given any rating (at all) by the usually quick-to-point-fingers MTRCB. What, can't take the heat and the controversy? I don't get it--just a few months ago allowed these seedy soft-porn B-movies in theaters along Rizal Avenue, and now we're at the risk of not being able to decide if the flick did live up to the book just cause you guys can't frickin' make up your minds? The hell you're being paid to do!

I don't even like the fact that Tom Hanks gets to play Robert Langdon (wasn't he supposed to be good looking?). I just wanna see the friggin' movie when it opens worldwide on the 18th!!!! Is that too much to ask?

P.S. I saw the MTRCB Chairman last Saturday at Starbucks Galleria. Couldn't she have given TDVC a quick review and rating before heading out for a Mocha Frap? HUH?!

21...

21 days remain until my big vacation. 21 days until I finally get to meet my baby sister, Angel.

Angel is my sister from my mom's 2nd marriage. She's 5 now and in pre-school, and well...I've never met her. My sister Anna hasn't either. And this upcoming trip will be the first time we get to see her.

I'm such a sucker for little kids--boys, girls, fat kids, skinny kids, blond kids, white kids, black kids, asian kids...you name it. And I'm really good with children too. That's probably why I feel kinda bummed to not have been there during the first 5 years of my baby sister's life. Sure, she knows about me and we talk on the phone, but it's still different to actually be there and see her grow up.

Come to think of it, I didn't see Luke (my 11-year-old brother on my Dad's side) growing up either. And it's kind of a huge deal since he's my only brother (and I wanted a brother for so long) and practically my only link to my Dad (who passed away in 2003). It's kind of a hard relationship with him--he lives with his mom and I don't get to see him often (though I send him gifts for every occasion). I miss him a lot, and often I wonder how he's doing. *sigh*

As the big sister, I kind of have this self-imposed task to make it up to both Luke and Angel. That's definitely one if my top priorities as of late--to keep the ties going. Funny, how I used to think how boring it is to come from such a small family of 2 siblings. Now that there's four of us, and in separate locations at that, I definitely feel the challenge. But I'll work on it--it's family, it deserves a little bit more effort.

Wow. Am I really this candid, talking (writing?) about these things? A couple of years ago, I wouldn't have been so open. I guess I've learned that it's so much easier when I'm being true to myself and taking all things in stride, as opposed to keeping it all in and worrying out of my mind about it. My siblings (whether biological, half or step) are an undeniable part of me, as I am of them. Not to mention that I feel that my siblings kind of bring out this good thing in me--the part where I become more caring and nurturing and less self-absorbed. After all, I am the big sister here.

22...

This picture captures exactly what I'm feeling at this very moment, that is, BATO.

I'm so frickin' bored!!!!!

This has been a steady almost daily routine since Graduation Day: wake up late, have lunch, watch TV (a DVD sometimes), log on to the net, watch some more TV, log on to the net again, watch TV, doze off to sleep (taking a bath and eating frequent snacks find their way somewhere in between).

I'm a pig. No, even pigs would be insulted to associate themselves with the bleh that I am. OK, I'm a rock-- a useless, heavy mass of nothing just lying around, taking up space (well, at least rocks don't have feelings, they won't take offense to my comparison with them).

I am in desperate need of something to do. My creative juices have coagulated and have blocked the constant flow of energy and ideas from my brain to my hand (or some other part of the body). I'm in a bind. And while I'm in a bind, there's also another thing that I'm feeling:

Gusto kong sumigaw. Better yet, gusto kitang sigawan!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!

You are soooo wasting your time. Nakakainis na, sobra. Come on, you're not good enough for a personal in-the-flesh visit?! All this sneaking around, lying about going out and with whoever. Some respect and gratitude would be sincerely appreciated. How about finding the time and hanging out with the other guy who's given you everything instead of someone who doesn't even have the balls to show his face.

"Something's fishy."--Ninang

23...

Me and my bestie Leni (in red)
....Goddesses! (hahaha)




It's a good thing Leni (my bestest college pal) gave me a couple of really heartwarming, gush-inspiring cards today--Aylabyu, Lenibanana!!!! :D It took my mind off what a so-called "friend" texted me this morning. While I may not be the best person to tell secrets to, I still know what the words discreet and privacy mean.

What business does she have passing on information like that to people I don't even know? Huh?! And how is it any of their businesses, anyway? If it was a normal thing, a normal issue I don't think I'd react this way. But the thing is, it's not a regular thing. It's very, very, very complicated.

What would she get out of it anyway--fame for being a friend of someone who's something with a certain someone??? It's not like it can't get out of hand--it has the huge possibility of getting more complicated than it already is. Sheesh, use your friggin' head, b**ch. >;-(

Some friend. And just when I thought she'd finally redeemed herself from being "toxic" a few weeks back. It's so hard to expect sometimes, see? You just fall flat on your face.

Mind your own business.

24...

"Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart."--Confucius.

I missed Day 24 yesterday-- I was so exhausted walking around Greenhills with Anna for hours, looking for nice pasalubong. Let me make it up for that...right about now. :p

I was lying in bed watching the LIVING ASIA channel, when I read the above quote by Confucius. Man, for someone named Confucius, the man sure knew what he was talking about!

And to think just a few months ago I was super apprehensive about leaving. It all seems so silly now that I'm practically counting the days. While I was so half-hearted a while back, I'm now going about this thing with all my heart, like the Chinese guy said.

I can barely wait. : )

25...

"...but time makes you bolder,
Even children get older,
And I'm getting older too..."
Stevie Nicks, Landslide

Today I realized two things. Reinforced my awareness of two things was more like it. The first thing was that I have grown up.

I met up with my high school best friends for a merienda date (which, of course, transpired into a dinner date with all the chatting and catching up in between bites). While it followed the usual flow of our barkada dates, I couldn't help but notice how some things seemed to be different--conversations (though still enjoyable) seemed more serious, more about our grown-up live's issues than actual chismis, more open in terms of personal insight. When someone talked, we didn't just listen and then made cracks about the situation (like we always did)--we actually thought about it and shared our strong, adult opinions. Looking back to this afternoon, it now feels as if my subconscious was hovering above these 5 ladies, listening in on conversations not too far from what our mothers probably have with their own groups of friends. We are growing up. Wow.

The second thing I reaffirmed was something I picked up from the book The Alchemist, by Paulo Coelho: "It's this: that at a certain point in our lives, we lose control of what's happening to us, and our lives become controlled by fate. That's the world's greatest lie."

I believe that we never lose control of what's happening to us. There's still a choice, one that we made, in between all of things that we feel are taking over our lives. Sometimes, the feeling that we are losing control of our lives comes from the lack of willingness to put our feet down and make decisions --just because we fear the risk of being hurt, being broken, as opposed to being happy, having peace of mind, being made.

These are things I re-realized listening to a good friend's many dilemmas about a long-standing issue--one that I feel is being given too much of a deal when in reality, it is the actual answer to the question that it, itself, raises. It's a no-brainer, actually. It just becomes a big issue because it is given a lot of attention--most of the time, too much for it's [non]gravity. Because of this everything seems blurry, all answers seem vague, nothing is ever resolved--again, because one would rather not take a risk for fear of losing something (or someone) whose value is still yet to be assessed.

Should this matter be left unresolved,"...the landslide [most definitely] will bring us down."

26...

Zoning-out...
Imagining a list of countless "things-to-do"...



The thing about being single in such a partnership-manic society is the fact that no matter how you assure others of your [contentment/happiness/stability] with the [acceptance/choice/circumstance] that you have [faced/made/made to face]--singlehood, that is--no one f***ing believes it. Out there, someone's always trying to question your [choice/predicament], worse, set you up with anyone they deem perfect for you. Perfect for them, is more like it.

A fact that, all the while, makes you question your own beliefs and feelings regarding such things. When yesterday, you were happy enough just going through the motions all by yourself, enjoying the freedom that comes with not having to go by certain "relationship" rules, or not having to call in to "report" every so often; today brings the question of whether you, indeed, are fit to be tied (tied down, that is) or are just unlucky with regards to the big L word.

Is it such a big issue if one decides not to date (at least not for a few months after the end of a confused and troubled mishap of a relationship)? It's not like one is in search of that "one true thing", nor is it that that "one true thing" has been slipping through one's fingers time and time again. It's never been like that. Others just don't know (nor bother to find out) how it really is.




On another note: you + him... *shudders*. It's a troubling thought. Everytime I see or hear about things, it gives me chills--and not any good ones. It's a resounding EWWWW for me. I don't see why some are just so kilig about it. Puh-leeze.

27...

Absolutely craving for a Grande Banana Caramel Frapuccino...*sigh*
Kenny G.'s version of At Last...sooo darn sexy.



Lately I've been reverting to my old habit of messing up the kitchen everytime I'm in a "mood-bind". Last Sunday it was Pineapple Upside-Down Cake (from scratch, mind you), last night it was Banana Crunch Bread (from the box this time). Today, well... skip today. Tomorrow it's gonna be Tuna Putanesca (like I already know my mood's gonna be messed up tomorrow, haha).

Not that everyday is Mood-Swing day. Sometimes it's What-Do-I-Wanna-Do-With-My-Life day, or I'm-Freaking-Bored-Out-of-My-Wits day. Today it's the second type of day.

Which brings me to another thing that I've been spending a lot of thought on lately. It's about getting another job, aside from the one that I have right now. I mean, I love this job, but it's not really enough to keep me on my toes--workload-wise and money-wise. Not that money's a huge issue--I'm one of the fortunate ones who are working primarily for the experience part, and not the I-Need-This-to-Feed-My-Family part.

Like I said in a post I made a couple of months back, I'm loving this job--it's flexi-time and I'm learning so much already in the short time I've been in it. Sure, the pay is far from fantastic, but like I said, that's not really an issue. The people are great, that's for sure. And it's not like I'm came into it entry-level--I'm somewhere in the middle. Somehow I feel like all of it isn't enough to keep me glued in my boardroom seat.

The constant craving for greener pastures? Maybe. Maybe not. I'm can't really say.

As I'm wiling away this sliver of wonderment, I'm pushing it to that back of my mind with thoughts of a two-month extension of my personal summer season. The anticipation is jolting me out of my pants...er, board shorts.



27 days to go...

28...

Waves that leave me out of reach, breaking on your back like a beach
Will we ever live in peace?
'Cause those that can't do often have to
And those that can't do often have to preach
To the ones staring at the sun
Afraid of what you'll find if you took a look inside...

Cake.

They say you can't have your cake and eat it too.

I say you can.