hay naku.

12:09 pm. Bakit nga ba ako pumasok ngayon? Ah kasi may meeting. Yata. I remember distinctly na pinag-usapan yun nung Friday--"O. Monday. Lunchtime ha?" Oo. Kasi may shoot sa Wednesday, at kailangan munang mag-usap para doon ngayong Monday. Pero asan kayo, mga ungas?! O baka naman mali ako. Baka inimagine ko lang yun. O kaya ibang Monday ang pinag-usapan. Sabagay, madami pa namang pwedeng gawin. Kasi mukhang madami pa namang trabaho. Tulad ng paggawa ng 4 na syllabus na dapat handa na bago mag next sem. Kamusta naman yon diba? Medyo nakaka-burat isipin na parang hindi umusad ang trabaho simula nung umalis ako, except dun sa project na mukhang mga estudyante ang nagpa-galaw. Sabi ko nga e. Tsk-tsk, ang mga boss talaga. At pano naman kaya ako hihiram ng paggagayahang syllabus sa lib eh hindi naman ako estudyante dito. I mean, hindi na ko enrolled. Pano, ha? Ha?! Ewan.

Kausap ko si Mama kahapon. Tsaka si Angel. Nung kausap ko siya, grabe, para akong pinapatay ng kalungkutan. At lalo na nung nalaman ko na hinahanap niya ako kay Mama paggising niya, kasi yata akala niya sandali lang ako aalis. Syet, ang lupit nun. Mega-hagulgol. Nasabi ko tuloy sa sarili ko, "Ang engot mo kasi, uuwi-uwi ka pa." Eh ganun eh. Tanga yata talaga ako.

Andito na si Leni. At tinext ko na si Foom. Dumating na kayo, please!

i'm back!

Yup, I'm officially back. Well, actually I've been in Manila since Monday night but I guess everything was just so hectic--organizing financial stuff, going back to work, generally settling in--that it's only now that I got the chance to update.

I still have occassional pangs of missing my family back in the States. Heck, everytime I turn on the TV and see Martin Mystery or Spongebob Squarepants, I can't help but think about how my sister Angel's doing. And Mama. And my stepdad.

If anything, I'm happy to be back in the company of friends. I mean, when Jas commented on how happy he was to see the Triumvirate (i.e., Me, Leni and Foom) up and about again, it was kinda...bading (haha, peace, Jas!). But there was a little truth to it, for me at least. It's also nice to see the "kids" again--Jas, Cheska, Sudie, Jik, Jix, Jid, Gegs...everybody! And Jay, who says he's doing alright at "The Ateneo" (haha, peace, kiddo!).

I guess I am finally fitting back into the old groove of things, and that's nice. Helps ease the pain of being away from loved ones.

heading home

In a few hours, I will be on my way back to Manila. I must admit, I still have reservations about certain things. It's not just the I-like-it-here-so-much-I-don't-wanna-go-home-yet feeling--that's just a tiny little speck in my universe of emotions. It's so much more, a far greater and deeper reason I just can't explain in a few words. I am both happy and sad with this development--happy to be once again thrust back into my comfort zone and yet sad for fear that I won't experience the same degree of comfort that I used to. Clearly, a few months isn't enough for me to reconcile with the many things and many issues of my seemingly unpreturbed life. I just wonder how long it's going to take.

My mom came home last night and caught me and my sister sorting out stuff to pack for the trip back to Manila. I did not want that. I hated the way her face sort of fell and the way she said, "Aww. Will you guys miss me?"

I wanted to cry. I could've said, "Of course, Ma, I'll miss you a lot." But I didn't. I just brushed it off like she was being silly about it. Then I realized how utterly in denial I am of this whole going home thing. I'm acting like it's no big deal when in fact, it kills me that I only have practically 2 days left with my family.

I haven't even begun packing. That's something, considering I was all packed up and ready to go 2 weeks before I was set to come here. I was so excited then, I couldn't sleep. Now it's as if I'm putting off both sleeping and packing as if I would be able to put off going home in doing so. That, to me, is like the yin and yang of things. That comic on TV was right when he said that everything is trapped and moving around in life's vicious circle. And whoever was responsible for, "You can't have your cake and eat it too."--he was also right about that.

Back to that moment with my Mom. That was bad. Like being caught with your hand on the cookie jar. I couldn't sleep last night because of that moment, which kept rewinding itself over and over again in my head. Arghhhhhhhhh!

I was tossing and turning so bad in my bed last night, I told myself, "Get the hell up and do something, moron." So I wrote. I was so rusty, I had my pen in my hand, staring blankly on that piece of paper for like, half an hour. I remember thinking, "Oh... so this is writer's block. Damn!"

I haven't written anything (except for my posts here) in a million years. Finally, when I was about to give up, something in my head just clicked and the words literally started to flow.

Last night, I came up with two poems. It's such a huge deal to me since it's been like 6-7 years since I did something like that. There was just simply no time, no space, no inspiration even. But last night, there was. That simple, unexpected moment was so catalytic for me. It's funny, because definitely, it was something I did not welcome, yet it presented an opportunity for inspiration.

Life will never let you fall and push you down in the dirt. I believe in that. Somewhere, somehow, there will always be room for redemption.

taste the rainbow, hek-hek

If there's one thing that's taking my mind off my personal shit these days, it's DANE COOK:VICIOUS CIRCLE.
Fucking hilarious. Check it out, if you've got time.

sleepless night # 1

It's almost 11 PM now and I was going to call it a day, but then all these thoughts running circles inside my head decided to deprive me of good sleep yet again. I am set to go back to Manila on Sunday, and somehow the mixed feelings of dread and excitement that I've been feeling ever since I booked my flight almost a couple of weeks ago is still snugly lodged at the back of my brain, forcing its way in and out from time to time. I wish I could just snap out of it and say, "You're going home, for crying out loud. Be happy, goddamit!" Somehow I can't just force myself to do it. And my inner self is proving unhelpful, counting down 5...4...3...2...1...blast off.

Friends who may be reading this, don't be insulted. Trust me, this has nothing to do with any of you (in fact, you guys are the only positive light in all of this, if I may say so). It's just me and my personal bowl of emotional granola (I've always loved cereal, ha-ha *groan*). Somehow, even after 3 months of having all the time in the world to resolve all my personal shit, I still haven't managed to do it. Amass a small fortune in new clothes and pasalubong, yes. Resolve the neverending saga of my personal hang-ups--that's a big N-O to you.

I look forward to seeing old friends, catching up on old times, sharing Oh-Shit-No-Really stories over coffee and cake at Starbucks (or Oz, or Sarah's--doesn't really matter), that once in a blue moon (really now?) yosi break at the fishball stand. Just being a friend among friends, in general. I look forward to tricycles and jeepneys and buses and taxis that ply 24/7 (no crappy buttonhole bus schedules in Manila, thank you very much), the 10-minute-away mall abuzz with Christmas decor and carols and gift suggestions as early as September. My bank account that seems on constant refill, like a soda bar in summer. Work, and the sunny, happy people I work with.

I am not so excited over the prospect of returning to what seems to me as aimless existence, when finally I feel like an esential component of a real, true, [albeit un-Brady Bunch] family life. When I don't feel like a boarder in my own home, or someone's secretary, or a personal assistant--like someone getting paid to, I don't know, just be there. At every beck and call. No roles, no opinions--just bob your head and wave your hand like a fucking puppet on a string. I don't like the idea that I only get to spend barely a quarter of a year with my mother who has been away and on her own ever since I was 8. I'm not a fucking comet that only manifests itself once every 75 years, nor do I intend to be the misguided fanatic who waits and waits and waits for it to come by and loses precious irreplaceable years of her life in the process.

What to do, what to do...

It seems silly to be worked up so much by just a trivial trip--and one going home, at that. But I believe that there's truth in the heart of it all. And truth is, I'm scared. I'm scared to be that misguided soul. These are my years, important times in my life, and I don't want to pass them by or throw them away by not doing what I want to be doing. It may seem selfish, but that is just that--selfish ideas beget selfish actions, and I feel like I've been under that selfish spell for too long. I'm so paranoid of something bad happening, something that's going to make me regret many things and decisions that I've done and made. I don't want to be the person that says, "If only..." or "What if...?"

I can't.

realization and frustration

My mom told me a story about something that happened at her work a few days ago. She took a break from work, was having a conversation with her Pinoy co-workers:

Mama: "My kids are going home soon."
Co-worker 1 (looking really incredulous): "Ah, ganun? BAKIT PA?"
Mang Roger (Co-worker 2): "Bakit hindi? Doon, magaganda ang hanap-buhay nila. They were able to study and finish from the best schools in the country. Maganda ang buhay nila doon."

I was kind of stumped when Mama told me about it. And I thought, " Oh yeah. I guess I never really thought about it like that." Not a lot of people really think about it like that.

***

My sister just started kindergarten a couple of weeks ago. Initially, Mama was kind of worried about her being a Fil-Am kid in a school that's like 99% white. Then she saw that there were two other Asian kids in Angel's class--one Japanese kid and (Thank heavens!) a Pinoy kid. Now Angel wouldn't have to stick out like a sore thumb amidst those snobby white kids.

Boy, was Mama wrong.

The Japanese kid's folks are super nice, despite the huge language barrier (they don't speak english that well, having just moved from Japan). The Pinoy kid--he's cute, but I sure hope to God he doesn't grow up as snotty and as ignorant as his Pinoy parents. Man, they're like the snottiest people there--they don't smile, don't say hi to anyone, have their pango (not that there's anything wrong with it) noses high up in the air, and act as if they'd get like AIDS from saying hi to their kapwa-Pinoys. Man, what crappy attitude.

Angel's better off hanging out with the white kids who are completely bowled over by how cute and bright she is. In fact, they're the ones who's always running after her and saying bye-bye when we pick her up.

I hate to say this, I really do, but soooo many Pinoys here act like that. Somehow their being able to live and work in the US just seems to them as their license to act all snotty and snobby towards other Pinoys. Kinda gives me the idea why we Pinoys are moving backwards instead of forward (well, of course, aside from our so-called political leaders).

Don't get me wrong--I love my country and I love being Pinoy. I just don't like it when other Pinoys don't seem to.