"And I'm.....back in the game!!!!"

Random thought. Wala lang. I was watching 10 Things I Hate About You (which I will never tire of watching, ever) last night and the line just stuck.

It's the fourth week of the new year and I'm not in my normal it's cold-wake up early-go to work-look for raket phase this year (although it is cold and i am indeed looking for raket or something more), and times like these are usually reflection time for me. The past few days have been nothing but reading, watching movies, running, cooking, driving around, staying away from the computer, not sleeping right--I'm bound to have a thought or two pop into my head, right?

So (like an annual financial report at a big boardroom meeting), here's my first realizations for 2008 (bow):

• Some people can have a million reasons to justify their selfishness, and not one will make sense.
• In the eventuality that I will have children, I will love them with all of me, and never let it get so bad that I have to ask others to love them for me.
• An ugly past is a lame excuse for stupid decisions.
• It's OK to miss people, even after you've gotten back to the rhythm of things.
• I have a growing addiction to colorful hoodies.
• I will never get tired of watching 10 Things I Hate About You.
• Take the flab and the fondness for tukey legs away, Henry VIII could have been a total hottie back in the day.
• I like to run, but I'm afraid it's not for me (cos my right ankle freaking hurts after everytime!).
• When I have kids, I will never make them feel like they owe me big time for having borne them.
• When people tell me I'm beautiful, I'm both pleased and kind of bothered (like, "Aww, thanks." and "Uh, why?" at the same time. Aside from, "Um...duh!", of course. Wehehe, joke).
• I think I've found my bliss, finally :)

my white christmas

So the car kinda Scrooged on us up in Tahoe, and we spent 4 days up in the mountains instead of 3. So what? Ang happy!!!!

This holiday is honestly one of the best (if not the best) holidays I've ever had. The family's pretty much all here (well, except for Daddy, who decided to stay in Manila, and Luke, who's spending the holidays with his mom), it's freaking cold, super-white and very happy. We got pretty much everything we wished for--a good trip, snow fall, a great time snowboarding, everyone's happy, safe and healthy. That's all there is to it, right?

My body pretty much hurts all over (like I told Leni, even in places I didn't know I had, haha), and I feel like freaking Angelina Jolie because of windburn, but heck, I don't mind at all. I had soooooooo much fun, made a couple new friends (Riiiick! haha), basically had a blast with the family. And all those slips and slides down the mountains didn't deter my spirit a bit--in fact, I'm already saving up for another snowboarding trip--clothes, equipment, post-session chiropractor treatment and all--for next year. Can't wait!

It's a good decision I made, to stay here for the holidays. I missed my friends like crap but I got something in exchange, something I never probably would have gotten had I about-faced my way home to Manila. I think I'm starting to believe in Christmas again, like I did back when I was a young, naive, worry-free kid. I realized it's not about being all together, or complete or having every single gift on your wishlist--it's just about believing and allowing yourself to be happy despite all the potholes and hurdles. Sort of like counting your belssings. It's kind of hard to explain. Basta. You have to feel it to understand.

Merry Christmas, everyone! Happy New Year! :)

pseudocide

Pseudocide. It's a new phenomenon. Seems the world's become so jaded that some people decide it's so much better to just disappear from the face of the Earth and start over with a new identity, than to just get on with their miserable lives. Tempting.....

*****

You know how it sometimes happens that you hear news that's supposed to surprise or even shock you, and the most it does is just confirm some sort of belief that's been at the back of your mind since...forever? What sucks is not hearing about the bad news but realizing it's just diffused that teeny-weeny glimmer of hope that some way, somehow, you're going to be proven wrong. It's kinda sad, thinking about it.

*****

Sometimes you never really get to know a person unless they decide to open themselves up to you. What seemed to be so honest, so true can all seem so trivial and for-show in an instant. Sometimes I wonder what the world would be like if everyone walked around with open hearts.
Just a thought.

*****

Mabilis ang karma, and it's such a huge bitch. Wag tuksuhin.....

hand me my pills, please.

Sick today, but no excuse. You have to grin and bear it, suck it all in when you're beginning the process of getting your act together--sniffles and all. But as usual, I had idle time to spare thinking about stuff that really does me nothing but senti moments and whatnot. Wala lang. I guess that's normal if you're just starting out and haven't really carved your whole life plans in stone yet. The "bad breakup syndrome" is upon us, once again. Hehe.

So maybe it's true what they say--you really have no idea what you have until you lose them. Like, of course you miss the good, of course, but you realize you also miss the things you didn't even like that much--so-and-so who used to really piss you off so bad everytime he/she did so-and-so back then. Labo, no? You miss the good and the bad--even the gross, the filth, the grime that's part of the whole shebang, just because the riot's not quite the riot without it/them.

I'm happy that it's all starting out good for me-- I don't wanna jinx it by saying great just yet-- but somehow I know subconsciously how it's never going to be the same kind of "great" that you once had or were part of. Nothing lasts forever, even when at a moment it seemed like it would. Not to sound ominous or pessimistic or something. But that's what's true and real. Right?

Wala lang. May sakit at sume-senti na naman. Tama na nga -_-

gah.

like my stepdad would say:

"BOW-BOW!"

unbelievable.

-_-

Went to mass with my family yesterday after the longest time. It felt a little weird to be sitting there, trying to sing along to all the songs (new ones, nonetheless), responding in unison with everyone. Wala lang. I felt kind of...lost, I guess.

It's was probably a good thing the mass was, um, different (read:mabilis at masaya). You know how they say everything in America's on fast-forward--the food, the time, and yes, even church. The priest--he rocked, hehe. He delivered this nice, witty homily about how some people just can't help but think the world revolves around them. In the end, all they end up doing is compressing their worlds into something so small, it doesn't allow anybody in but themselves. People need people, even those who seem to not need anything more in life. I could just imagine what a sad, painful existence that must be, thinking you don't need anyone else.

Then at night my mom (who's very religious and very Catholic) and I got into a long conversation about religion. I never told her about my reservations about my own faith before, seeing how she's such a staunch follower. But I'm glad I was able to last night. We talked about what we liked and didn't like, about how it would be so nice to get a peek into how other religions worked. I for one would love to see how a Jewish service goes--it seems so much more solemn, more deeply-rooted. I'm glad my mom was on her usual Mama-mode--although she didn't like the fact that I haven't been going to church in a long while, she's supportive of my "exploratory" mood when it comes to my faith. After all, she says, what's important is that you believe--regardless of who or what.

It was sort of relieving to realize how free I've suddenly become to believe whatever I chose--God knows (no pun intended) how "boxed" I've become in 12 years of catholic school, where you're spoon-fed your faith and they expect you to just tough it up and keep it all in, like bad medicine to a kid (although I have to say I have nothing against sending kids to catholic school just to instill some sense of religious foundation). It's just nice to be able to explore different things freely. No, make that "to explore different things", period.

:p

it came upon a midnight clear :p

I was ready to doze off when all of a sudden, I was jolted out of my almost-sleep. An epiphany, and a very nice one at that.

I won't explain in detail, medyo complicated e. But here's an excerpt from my diary entry that I could not wait for [proper] morning to write down:

"I won't apologize for not being a shining example of an exemplary human being. I won't say I'm sorry when I realize that sometimes I don't practice what I preach. I can't and won't apologize for being human."

Yun lang. I'm going to have a good day, I can feel it :)

the greatest feeling in the world...

...is when you finally let someone in on something--a thought or feeling--that's long been occupying your mind and/or heart. Something you've been keeping to yourself forever, reluctant to let out. Then in an instant you just do, and in another instant, a huge feeling of release. It's the greatest, happiest feeling in the world.